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So here is a question for the masses. How many times should a person try and reconcile with a friend (whose reaction is rather accusatory and dramatically regretful (although will admit, I was the same way in the beginning—but have since tried to knock it off)? Is once enough? Is twice? Is it that you should as many times as it takes because friendship is worth a little uncertainty and strife? Or are you of the sect that believes true friends never have a fall out? [which as I say that last question I acknowledge the concept is ridiculous.] But, what I guess it all comes down too…why am I always getting luke warm receptions? Thus, I am always being the one put in the position to *try* and try again. Let’s look at the history of what have I done:

Well, one email forward about “girlfriends” (Tacky, I know, but I thought it would be a harmless way to start…maybe a little humor in recognizing the sincerity in the stupid attempt? Okay. it was stupid. Sue me). My response is the one angry line I wrote at the end of previous letter (after being told off in a number of ways how inadequate I am in general) thrown back in my face. Okay. I let it go. Time passes.

I send an email trying to talk or at least attempt it, and get a response back about how we can’t understand each other…and then a another friend of mine gets in the middle and I am mortified, and then back away and decide to say “start clean.” Embarrassed really that I can’t seem to talk to this person whom I considered one of my best friends, and I needed some moderator??? Damn it all. The slate now wiped, I say I will write. It seems easier for me to do.

Time passes, I send a email to her telling her I will send the letter shortly. She responds saying she will wait for it….. I wonder what that means those “,,,” does that mean I am have to be careful of what I say? That I should write my heart and soul again? Or should I play it safe, be considerate of everything she has said and leave the ball to her? I go for the latter. Actually taking three drafts to write that letter, making sure to not sound sarcastic, nosey, or anything that might be read the wrong way. I send it…time passes…no response.

I have another friend who knows us both. Sometimes she brings her up, but I don’t take the bait. I don’t want another person to come in the middle of my failure to communicate. I don’t want to be caught asking questions about someone I could very well ask myself, if she would just talk to me.

I write another email saying we should talk..yesterday. She responds back saying that she was disappointed in my lack of interest in her life, and she doesn’t know where to start. I find it so ironic that I am being punished for my “lack of interest” because when I did show interest, it was only to find out the negative aspects of what she was doing. I can’t win. I seriously can’t win here. The email from her ended “regretfully”…what does that mean? I wrote her back explaining…and asked her what that meant..but as of today. No response.

However. Last night it occurred to me. I bet she doesn’t want to talk to me. She wants me gone for her life, and a reason to justify it (my lack of faith/interest in her and her life), or I disappointed her so monumentally, that she just *can’t* talk to me anymore, and I am not understanding this, because she is too nice. She can’t just tell me to fuck off, and I haven’t gotten the hints. So.

Is she telling me to fuck off and go to hell without saying that because of her lack of interest in reconciliation or any of the reasons I already stated? Should I just give her time? Or should I just let it go? Any advice is appreciated.

Goog mooging. This weekend was good. Jim came to visit Tim and on Friday they played games and I wrote over 5K words in a few hours. It whupped me though, I was so tired after that, and ate my pizza, finished watching the Sweet Hereafter and went to bed. Saturday, got up made some breakfast and we headed out to Evanston. Tim and Jim wanted to go to EB Games and trade in games…okay Tim did, Jim was a long for the ride…but also because they were going to see Die Another Day and do some shopping. We split up and I found myself in a variety of interesting stores, having strange little conversations with other shoppers as we all looked around. I bought some wooden woodsies (not woodies as I originally called them. ), and some paint (for fun crafty things…I made an ornament and a gift card when I got home right away) and a snowflake punch to make white snowflake confetti, a tree stamp and some green stamping ink. It looks so neat, I am very pleased that I didn’t over spend on craft stuff but found some really useful bargains. Okay. I know. Some of you may disagree and even point out that doing crafts is not a bargain at all, especially when you have to buy stuff for it. But to that, “I say go to hell.”

Myself, I do not like Bond movies and instead went to see 8 Mile. It wasn’t bad, it definitely inspired me to write some more when I got home even though I felt like I was burned out. Then we were going to go to Neo, but I could not find any get in free coupons, they were advertising for this weeks stupid fetish specials, so we all just went to the Lighthouse and drank there.

Sunday, I could not resist, I had to look at it. Tim bought me Suikoden III which I was only going to look at and play in December…but it looked cool. I had to see what kind of reward I working towards, right? Especially when it got such raving reviews, and indeed…it IS cool as I found out 6 or 7 hours later. So. No, no more writing has been done, but dude…7K plus words in a weekend is a lot, and I do still have this week to pull off a miracle. After Jim left, we decided to eat a fine dinner of homemade mashed potatoes, sausage and mixed greens while watching the second half of LotR. Bekah and Greg stopped by to drop off a movie we might want to see, and return Tim’s tie. We tried again to convince them of going home for Thanksgiving’s considering that it might be the last one for awhile. To no avail though. We gave them a chicken I was de thawing but do not have time to make now, and threw in some cranberry sauce, yams and potatoes so that at least they can have their own little thanksgiving dinner. I am stopping by tomorrow to drop off a pumpkin pie I am making tonight. I like baking.

Thanks to Melissa for sending me her picture. I added her right away, as you can see. That should be encouraging to the rest of you, whom pictures I do not have, to send them to me.

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It’s working again! Wahoo! I got this in the mail as a postcard from Sigrid. We look like we should be in band, or at least in the little CD book.

Blog won’t post…I wonder what is going on. ….maybe this…..it’s won’t save a template….I am going to try one of theirs until I can get home and fix this mess. I can’t stand not knowing.

So I ask the turkish man who icq’d me today:

nightmare: hi… wanna talk to a stranger

hadjare: Um. Does hadjare means some thing to you?

nightmare: it means a turkish name : hacer is it

I think for lunch I am going to see if that place in Evanston has any good shoes. I really do need a new pair. Oh, and Sigrid sent me a cool postcard that she made from the pictures that she took from in front of her house. I will scan it and put it up a little later.

Got home yesterday to one bill and a alumni newsletter from the Entomology department at UW-Madison. Decided to have french toast for dinner because the bread is on it’s last legs and I don’t want to waste it all, with a piece of sausage for flavor. Then we watched the first half of the extended Lord of the Rings DVD. I decided we couldn’t wait for anyone to watch it, and I would happily watch it a seventh time. I love that movie, and so we are going to watched the second half later this week. Having french toast and watching the movie without waiting for anyone else to see it with us, felt so naughty and like I was a kid hanging out in a adults house. Cooking whatever I want, and using their cool stuff. After we watched the first half and decided to save the second half we went to each of our own computers. I managed to actually write 3,154 words in an hour and half. Amazing! You see? I will not fail, not while I can still type.

Today however, I am in a bad mood. Just woke up that way and it actually hasn’t improved too much even though things seem to be going my way. I guess, I am just not allowing a lot of room for irritants today. I am hoping that I am radiating some thing that lets people know not to bother me with trivial things and to just let me be, and only come to me if it is important and you have tried every other avenue. Bah. Somehow that isn’t working, and yet it is. I have the potential to be much worse. Yesterday I was interrupted EVERY 15 minutes. I did not have a stretch of time longer than that to myself, or to get any work done. I am glad this is only a four day week. Since Tim was taking off Friday to meet Jim, I decided to take it off too. Then we made an appointment for two of the skats to go to the vet and get their shots in the AM. I like four day weeks, and then next week is only a three day week.

Rock on.

This weekend was good. We stayed home the entire weekend and it was nice. Friday I wrote some and watched TV, and Jaime called. It was weird, we ended up talking for about an hour. She’s sick and in the third stage of chronic stress syndrome. Never got over what happened in Madison, she said and is working on getting better. It struck me after we talked and I had time to think about it. She was reconciling with me. After all these years, this talk (the one I dreaded) was actually the one I had wanted most. The one talk where she told me in so many words, that I *hadn’t* done anything wrong, that it was just her (why our relationship fell apart). It is comforting to know…finally. It makes me think about what happened with my other friend. I hope she is doing well.

Saturday got up, watched a movie and putzed. Took out the air conditioner, which was just in the nick of time because it snowed later that night. Went out and bought some more fish for the tanks (some gold fin danios, and an albino cory) and got the special edition Lord of the Rings. We were going to watch it, but Harry Potter was on and decided to watch that. Wrote a lot, got five thousands words in, and then watched Misery. The only movie I can think of that is MUCH better than the book ever was.

Sunday got up around 9.30 because the cats were a pain in the ass. Made some tea and breakfast and then watched a weird movie on HBO (still don’t know what the hell it was about). Wrote in my journal, and scanned in all my House on the Rock stuff and rendered it. Now all I have to do is write the story and plug in the pictures. It should be done this week, the pictures are great! Consequently, since I did a lot of scanning and stuff, I didn’t have time to write. I will work on it this week. Also cleaned the house because Paul and his daughter Bea were going to visit, after three I called and it turns out…not. I wondered what happened, probably just got busy. Cleaning the house was still good because Jim is visiting next week, and I don’t want to have to clean the entire house on a weekday. Now it will just be a matter of light cleaning. Tim even scrubbed the kitchen floor and did four loads of laundry.

Weird, Ben just told me that he didn’t get the Christmas email invite. If any one else did not get it PLEASE tell me so I can give it to you.

Yesterday we celebrated a coworker 20 years of dedicated service, and interestingly enough the decorations were EXACTLY like how we decorated it the day before the baby shower. The only difference being it was purple and white, and there was a huge poster with her face on it. The cake however, was the best darn cake I have ever had in my entire life. Wow. I took a piece home for Tim, but it got smooshed a little, and he seemed to not appreciate the magnitude of the taste.

Eric and Kate took us out to dinner (me? How did that work, I thought he was taking Tim out?? Am I now part of the Tim entity? Are we no longer our own seperate selves?) Well, in any case, I got a free dinner at the ex best place to have sushi (but has new management). It was okay, and if we didn’t have such great conversationalists at the table, I would have gotten angry. The fish was good, but didn’t stick to the rice enough. I almost needed a fork to scoop up the rice that kept falling. Plus, it seemed like we didn’t hang out with Eric and Kate entity one on one for awhile. They such fungi’s. And Kate, that little secret you told me about oily hair? I tried it this morning, and I am STILL fucking amazed at how wonderful it is. So wonderful. I felt angry towards everyone for a few minutes there because no one had told me. It like the world’s best secret and I didn’t know until now. I told my coworker about it this morning, and she is going to try it tonight. I have you buy you dinner for this. Er. So why am I not telling the world? Because it is that good, and you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But it works. It does. You can email me if you want the secret ingredient.

I just sent Katie home because she was terrible sick. All week, and now she can’t talk today. Usually I am not so mean, but she did use all of her sick time, and is sometimes a little irresponsible…but she is sick. And it is Friday. I have had all day to write my novel…and have I? No. I have surfed, caught up on my usual web ventures, started my pomegranete, nibbling doritos, drinking hot cider, and trying to get hte gump to write. I am such a loser. Why did I sign myself up for this torture? [Because you can do it Laura!] Um. Okay.

Thank you to those that have RSVP’d early, and I still might have to disagree and say that the angel on the card does NOT look creepy. You guys are just a twisted bunch of individuals to see a angel doll and think creepy. But, I guess…at least it got your attention.

[As you can tell, I am procrastining some more]

After dinner, Tim and I went home where every one of his family member’s called to wish him Happy Birthday, and catch up. Since he doesn’t talk with them all very often, he found something great news in each converstation. Sarah broke up with Luke. The dad and mom might have to move in January because an offer is being made on the church, the house and the school (they are thinking Janesville), they don’t want to do thanksgiving, the mom has super bad arthritis and is taking one heck of a cocktail of drugs..something she would never do. And Ben left a message, and when Tim called him back he wasn’t there. But I am SURE that if he had made it through, Ben would have had a bunch of juicy gossip to go with everything else. Phil didn’t call, but Ben would have given us and update on him, I’m sure. Then he played some more Mech, and I tried to write more, but ended up just talking with Jason. Then we decided to go the Lighthouse for a drink or two, and some smokes. Tim got his usual Blackberry Scnapps shot (that is what they do for birthdays…shots…) and we watched the History Channel: Spartacus followed by Snipers. Then home and into bed.

This weekend I will write 10K words! Okay, I am sure that realism will creep in there sometime and I have an accurate and pathetic count for you on Monday. Or tomorrow, when I procrastinate. I might make the House on the Rock adventure this weekend as a reward for writing two hundred words = 10 min of HOTR time….yeah. I like that system. I am excited for this “report”, but doing the invite was bad enough–even though it needed to be done. I also have to work on my promotion stuff. Ok. Time to get to work. Right after I got and buy some smokes.

Crap. I just noticed some formatting problems on the friends pages…darn it all. You see? I am going to *have* to fix this when I get home. I can’t stand glaring mistakes like that.

Ack. So last night I didn’t do any writing because I had to get the invitation done. Then compile the email addresses….lots of work. Finally it was sent, and then I realized to my utter horror, that it didn’t repress the recipient list. I should have BCC’d it. Sorry to make it look like SPAM guys. There were a few emails address I could not find, so if you know you know me or Tim and you didn’t get a invite, please let me know. But all in all, I was very proud of the invitation, it has a very unique Christmassy feel to it.

Today I am taking an early lunch to walk Greg over to Human Resources for his interview. Leaving at 11.20. Yikes. Early. I don’t even get hungry until like 1.00, especially when I have had a bagel in the morning for lunch.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to TIM! Email him to wish him well.