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Why does going to the doctor always bum me out? I had such hopes for Morella gaining a ton of weight only to find out … she didn’t gain all that much — again.

Her last appointment sixteen days ago she was 9 lb 5 oz. We were both so sure she was in the 10 pound range and possibly even venturing into the 11…not so.

Today at 9 Weeks and 5 Days she was:

9lb 13 oz weight (18% percentile)
23.25″ length (79%)
38.6 head (38%)

So she is gaining about a 1/2 ounce a day. The doctor said that this is just her weight pattern, and that she is consistently growing, and she is just long and lean and it will take a while to fill out. I guess. Maybe if I weren’t surrounded by such overachieving babies I wouldn’t feel so bad. You know this whole percentile thing makes it seem like a competition.

Well at least the length would explain why she is fitting the 0-3 stuff accordingly. It’s true that because her toes start getting scrunched that we move her up in clothes — width wise she still swims in them. Or looks like a baby gansta.

I asked about setting up the appointment to repeat the suck/swallow barium study and she was like “In three months from the start time.”

What? The speech pathologist herself said twice that we could move that up, and the doctor herself only two weeks ago suggested the end of February/March — it sort of pisses me off that she forgets these things. For the record, I did ask when I left if they hired a new pediatrician yet, and they did — she start in March. I might try her out… Anyway. She looked into it and saw that there was an open referral and gave me the name and number of the lady to call to set it up. She said she wanted to wait until the 3 months because from a clinical standpoint — her case isn’t severe as in she hasn’t been hospitalized or gotten sick, so she might as well wait the full time. From OUR standpoint — this thickening is bullshit and we would still like to try to breastfeed before it’s really too late. Although I realize that really might not be possible because Morella won’t want too. Whatever. I can try. And you know, this simply thick is expensive and making our own is a huge time consumer and I already spend enough time pumping and making these bottles. So. I’ll stop there.

She had her shots today. Poor girl. I have never seen such terror and pain in my poor girl’s eyes. In addition to the three shots, I let her have the rotovirus immunization because we don’t live in a bubble and the doctor said last year she had to admit a kid a week to the hospital because of it.

Her next appointment is in two months. That seems like such a long time away from now.

Maybe she would gain more weight if she didn’t have to work so hard for it. I mean, that thickening agent adds 4-5 ounces a day that she consumes that has NO calories. There is only so much room in that belly. I think that would be reason enough right there to repeat this study and get her off honey consistency milk.

I guess. She is gaining. She is healthy and alive, and alert and growing. Oh yeah that was the other thing. We noticed that she is turning her head to the left a lot — Tim thought it might be an ear infection. Turns out this is quite common in babies and it’s because she getting a flat spot on that side of the head (easier for them to position it and fall asleep). You can see it if you look down at them from the top. Anyway. It’s a mild case and we should just make sure that she gets time facing the other way (like when she is sleeping on her tummy, to turn it or change arms in feeding…)

*sigh*

Normally I like to reserve the cradle swing for emergency use only. For times when I need to pump and she needs to be put someplace that she won’t be unhappy. Though there are certainly times when she doesn’t want the swing, like last night. I could only do a 10 minute pumping session because she hollered the whole time.

She hasn’t been herself these past two days. She’s crying or fussing most of the time and when she isn’t in motion she’ll often escalate her crying to the full “wah, wah, wah…gulp, gulp….pause…..WAH!” You know the full fledge crying that makes your instinct jump into high gear to try and make it stop. This is they cry that they talk about makes you feel uncomfortable — and it’s this cry that I try to avoid. Since 8:00 am this morning she was up all the way until 3:00 with only two 25 minute cat naps, in which I was able to pump. But as soon as I was done, she was ready to go. I finally put her in the swing because my back could take no more and I was just tired. She’s hasn’t slept very well in the last two hours she has been in it — she’s mostly dozing and occasionally cries a little before going back to dozing. A perpetual scowl is plastered on her face and her face is often screwing into a cry when she does open her eyes. The way I see it, she’s going to be unhappy today and the best I can do is make it so that she’s not as unhappy as she could be if she lets herself work up to it. Meaning, I am going to leave her in the swing until she cries for more than two minutes or Tim gets home. But my thought is that he will go with my plan.

I would like to take a shower when gets home. My hair feels greasy. Forget feel, it IS greasy.

I feel cold. I am on the couch with a warm laptop on my lap, covered in a fleece blanket and my nose is a bit nippy. It’s no wonder considering how the wind blows outside. I wouldn’t want to be out there today. Earlier I had chanced to look out the window and saw a flock of birds speed by — I have never seen birds move that fast. It sounds like a jet outside, thundering down the street. I keep checking to make sure our garbage can hasn’t blown over — thank goodness it’s heavy. I am sure that Tim will take care .. oh speak of the devil! He’s pushing it in right now!

These FANTASTIC shots of Morella, that I feel really capture how she looks to me most of the time were done by Jason Samsa — who incidentally is getting started in the photography business and … well is open for business. He does all kinds of photography for what you need — weddings, family portraits, babies, etc. These two are utterly amazing. I am so happy that he took them.

I had a pretty good weekend. On Saturday I met up with Hilary, the girls and Cullen at Escape Coffee but we didn’t stay long. The had rearranged the kid room again to include even MORE furniture so it wasn’t that comfortable of a place to be. There wasn’t much room for the kids to play. Then Cullen and Morella both decided that they had to be awake for this coffee date and were up. Eventually that leads to fussiness and we decided to just go over to Hilary’s where the kids could scream or cry as much as they wanted. That is when these great shots were taken. I am going to get myself some prints of them and frame them.

Morella went to bed at 10 last night and was asleep by 10.30. This morning she got up at 4.30 ate, and then went back to sleep until 8 when she was up for two hours before taking a snooze, and then has been up pretty much since then with a few cat naps in between. Tim’s parent’s came to visit again and watched her while we went out and had some quality couple’s time. We walked the dog, then ate dinner at Outback (because Red Lobster was ridiculously busy) and finished it off with ice skating at Tenny Park.

I had saved them the “opportunity” to give Morella a bath today but warned them that she now HATES, with a vengeance, coming out of the bath. The bath itself she loves and would probably stay in there until she turns into a raisin, but coming out — oh watch out! She screams real fury and turns on the waterworks. I tell you, when babies start to shed real tears it adds a whole new dimension to their crying. I have a feeling that they thought we were exaggerating this a bit — but later on we heard that she has a “temper.” Ha ha, I’ll say. I hate getting wet and Morella hates getting dry. What a combo.

They later said that she had barfed — but I think it’s because she has eaten a lot already today combined with swallowing a lot of air from her post bath fit. To date she has been really good about not throwing up at all! Yesterday, she had a record 27 ounces! Consistently she has been eating only 22-23 ounces a day. I think she will finish this bottle for bedtime, and then it’s 27 ounces again + throwing up…so I guess a little less. She was also, like I said, awake a lot today. I guess she is growing. On Wednesday we will see exactly how much!

You know one thing I was NOT expecting about becoming a parent? How much my back would hurt. There are days where my back is on a constant knot and I desperately look for opportunities to just lay on the ground and try to reset it. I wonder if I’ll toughen up and get stronger and get used to it. On the other hand, Morella is going to be growing and getting heavier and keeping up with me. I suppose it might get easier once she is able to hold her head and I can carry her on my hip or in the front carrier more.

Things are swimming along well. Morella has gotten better — we think — and now that we have a handle on her reflux, I would call her a good baby! But then again, aren’t all babies good? Perhaps I can say that because yesterday was a good day. She slept though the night, got up with Daddy in the morning, and then I took her out for coffee and a visit to Hilary’s from 12-4. That whole time she awake and chatty and talkative. Then when she came home she yakked it up for another hour. It’s amazing how good of mood she can be in for so long.

Then she went to sleep around 5 and slept to 7 when she got up to take her medicine and eat and by 7.30 she was back asleep until 9.15, and then up for an hour before going to bed and then she slept through the night — well, almost. She woke up at 4.30 because she was hungry but after she ate she went right back to sleep until 7.45. There, how exciting was that to read a timetable like that? Ha ha ha.

Alright. After I fed her this morning I went back to sleep until 6.40 — and hello engorgement. I went and pumped, they were like giant, hard boulders. I pumped a record 12 ounces — and could have probably done an extra ounce if I had stayed hooked up longer than 30 minutes. But I was tired, and needed to go to bed. But 12 ounces! I filled the bottles I had.

I keep waking up with a head hurt. Not quite a headache, though it could be that. Maybe I am grinding my teeth again? Hm. My jaw doesn’t hurt. I feels like I am extremely thirsty. We have the humidifier in the room on all night, and I make sure to drink lots of water at night and after I get up to pump so I don’t know, maybe I am still dehydrated? Or maybe it’s all the broken up sleep.

I am one year older! Huh. It feels remarkably similar to how I felt yesterday. No, just kidding. Yesterday I was all meloncholy about my birthday — it just sort of touches me in a bittersweet way when people try to show how much they love or value me in their lives. I end up feeling like I want to make THEM happy instead. So with that in mind, I am posting some pictures today!

Who doesn’t love pictures?

These first two pictures of pictures of pictures because my scanner is so old and murky and … uh in the basement. The first one is me at my 1st birthday with my two older brothers Shane (left) and Doug (Right)
Here I am at around 2 — wearing the only bikini I will ever wear in my life time.

My friend Courtney crocheted Morella a hat and now she can finally wear it! She actually had made two, the first one I have a picture of somewhere…but her noggin has now outgrown it.

Look at this crazy hair!!!!
And my old college friend Chuck dropped a surprise visit on us last Friday (which was super nice!) — here is he pre-baby inspection. He later said she passed.

Sarah had asked me on Saturday, if I ever felt that breastfeeding hunger. I had said no, not really, but I think now I was mistaken. I do experience it, though not every day. It seems to strike me most at lunch time. For example, today a lasagna sandwich wasn’t enough. Well maybe it was enough for MY lunch, but Morella needed the leftover biscuits and gravy. I also had a clementine and .. uh two large glasses of water. I guess I could have eaten some carrot sticks…but blah to that.

Yesterday Tim and I went ice skating which was great! I hadn’t forgotten to much from last time and the hot coco was just as delicious as I remember. We eventually stopped not only because it was time to go but because I fell. I am now sporting an impressive bruise on my left hip. Man that ice is much harder than it was last year. After that we came home so I could pump, and then headed out to see Cloverfield, which was pretty good. Why do they call it Cloverfield though?

After that we headed back downtown to attend Customer Appreciation day at the Essen Haus only to discover they were closing it down because no one had shown up! It was advertised as going from 6-10 — and we had gotten there at 8. What a rip. We went home and some lasagna and watched the rest of the Packer game. All of this was made possible by Tim’s parents watching Morella. It’s good to get out and spend some alone time with the husband doing things.

Doing things is what I like to do … YES! I’m slightly more productive now than previously before. I’m slightly more efficient than ….

Yeah I can’t get that song out of my head. It’s been there for days, and it the sad thing is that we don’t HAVE a Dunkin Donuts in Madison. It’s totally sad because if there was, you bet your pajamas that I would be there at least once a week. They have the best coffee ever. It’s our treat whenever we come home from visiting Eric and Kate in Chicago — to get two large coffees with cream and sugar, and our selection of two donuts. Ahh….there were some great things about living in Chicago. I can’t believe it’s already been 4 1/2 years. For that first year we were back in Madison I really missed Chicago. I thought about it constantly — but then I made new friends and got used to living in this city. Sure we had lived here before, but that was a different city for us. That Madison was all about downtown and student life. I knew nothing about what it was like to live in Madison as a tax paying resident.

Speaking of taxes, I hope the rest of the tax stuff comes in soon — Mama needs a new couch!

I was going to say something else. Oh yes, guess who slept through another night in a row? Yes! and for a week now my bedtime routine is getting her to go bed. Last night when I put her down she made a little squeak and turned her head dramatically to the side — and was asleep! It was so adorable. I keep reliving it in my head. She also ate an astonishing 26 ounces yesterday. She has been consistently around 22 ounces for the whole week and then all of a sudden 26?! Dang. She is also on her second sleepy day. Maybe she is growing.

It’s snowing again outside. I don’t know how it can snow and be so cold. Tim got up this morning, got ready for work and headed out for the bus. About 30 minutes later I got a call, but I let the answering machine get it. It was Tim asking me to check the bus schedule. Well, I had just gotten the baby down for morning nap and had gone into the kitchen to get the pumping gear when he came in and remembered it was Martin Luther King day. The Metro website confirmed that if you live in this neck of the woods you are screwed if you want to take a bus on the weekends or holidays. That is a new change from when I was riding the bus…they created a 7 to take up the slack. Now if we want to take the busy on the weekend we have to walk way over to the East Transfer point in order to get around. Yeah, I COULD wait for the 16 to take us there, but why not just walk? It’s faster.

So even though he didn’t want to drive because of the accumulating snow, he had to. Plus it’s still super cold out there! Ice skating in the cold is one thing, but getting in and out of cars is another entirely.

I sort of wish my clothes would fit again already. But at the same time, I don’t have anywhere to go and anyone to really see, and more importantly I don’t want to invest money in new pants if they won’t fit come this spring when I plan on getting oodles of walking exercise in. I have 15 pounds to go before they will fit again I think. I have started doing some strengthening exercises and I would like to start working on stretching again. I mean it’s not that hard to do a few exercises in between commercials or baby naps. I should cut myself a LITTLE slack because I didn’t the okay to start exercising again until a little over a week ago, and you know two months isn’t that long ago to use the “I just had a baby” excuse. Right?

So now that I have just talked about exercise and pounds and all that, I still want cake for my birthday this Thursday. There was a very long time that I hated birthday cake and would insist on pie instead. But this year I would like … cake and frosting. Other birthday wishes:

-a Sven
-have a pair of those “sisterhood of the traveling pants” pants
-self shoveling sidewalk and driveway
-my creaky knees to stop being creaky
-for Morella to outgrow this reflux and aspirating issues sooner rather than later

awww…since I mentioned her, I had to pause and look over at her sleeping next to me. Her sweet little face and blond explosion of hair. She is wearing her pooh outfit that she has worn since she first came home and it’s amazing how long she looks now! Which has now broken my train of thought, so I’ll just end now. Besides I ‘m sort of babbling now.

Last night was a first! Morella slept the night through after being put to bed at 11. She got up at 6.30 to take her medicine, eat a little and then go back to sleep. Wow!

All in all, things are getting better. I think about December and it seems like one long dark blur filled with Christmas music. One might speculate that the holiday season is ruined forever with memories of stress, anxiety and worry — but I don’t think that will be the case. I can still remember my little baby bit with her bright eyes, mop of blond hair and adorable little feet. Oh she must have heard me typing about her because she woke up and is looking around in her swing. She didn’t sleep very well this evening — probably too much excitement.

Sarah, Dave and Ruth came for a visit, and it occurred to me as they left that I forgot to take a picture! Argh, I had even remembered right before they came — that just goes to show that I need to do it right away as soon as people enter the door otherwise I’ll forget. But it was a good visit. They brought a KFC dinner over, and we provided some wine and dessert. It was so nice to sit and chat with them over dinner at the kitchen table and we got to try out the high chair we got from Kathy. It works great! I can already imagine making dinner with Morella sitting in the kitchen from her plastic throne and giving me hints on how make a casserole even more cheesy.

Ruth was adorable (and again I am miffed I forgot to take pictures — it’s not like I get to see them all the time. Which is really too bad, because that would be so awesome if she lived closer or I lived closer to her. Even an hour would make a difference. Though right now the kids wouldn’t have much in common — but in a year or two the age difference wouldn’t be that big of a deal at all.

Sarah brought me a magazine too — she has the best magazines. I only have Good Housekeep and Redbook — though it has taken me a long time to even read the last couple of months — but I am catching up really quick. It’s easy to start reading when I am on the couch with Morella and she’s only in the mood to chill or is taking a light nap.

Then yesterday evening we got a surprise visit from Chuck who was in town on business. Man that was nice to have visitors and catch up. More people should visit! It really breaks up the winter duldrums.

Okay I gotta change back into my uniform of jammies, and take these contacts out. This dry weather really makes them dry — I also need to put some lotion on. I can’t believe how dry my skin is these past few months. Oh and since Morella is now up I should really give her the nightly dose of her prevacid.

First things first — I have uploaded all the Morella baby pictures thus far onto Kodak’s site — meaning you can go there to view them and order photo quality prints if you like. All the pictures were taking in high resolution, and I have ordered before from Kodak and was quite happy with the quality of their photos. You need an invitation in order to see (and subsequently order them) though — so if you would like to do so, please email me your address at: hadjare at gmail dot com I thought family members would in particular like this.

Second — Morella was having a case of the reflux today. I could tell as soon as she woke up this morning. I wonder if it’s because I had three cups of coffee yesterday. Ugh, this after a long time with no caffiene maybe it aggravated her tummy. It’s the only thing that I can think of that was really different in my diet. Back to the no caffeine world. At least it’s easy, since we have both been caffeine free for almost a year now.

That said we are trying … unsuccessfully so far, to get her to go to bed at a reasonable bed time — that being 10.30. The last couple of nights that I hae done that she lays in her bouncinette and … well yammers on. The other night she cried because she was hungry again at 11.30 after being up for a long time, and last night she was just … up for an hour before finally going to sleep. I also think we might have a gabber on our hands. Man, she is talking up storm! Especially tonight she just yammered on and on to Tim as he walked her around the house. She talked to herself in the swing. She had a chat with a pink carebear (I thought it was time to introduce stuffed animals and dolls to her to so to help her social skills) and she really gets going when she’s on the diaper changing pad thing. I have to admit, it’s awesome that she talks. It’s makes her seem so much more personable and really, yakking it up is much better than crying it up.

Also, I saw her do it yesterday briefly, but today she really put a lot of effort into it — pushing herself up to look around with her arms while on her tummy! This is the difference of a few inches on Monday when she would just lift her head enough to turn it side to side…now she can lift it enough to look forward. Wow. She is really learning a lot this week!

And in other news, I can’t tell you how happy I am that tomorrow is finally Friday. A weekend of having help again. Though there is no Voyager on Fridays…sad. And I don’t have any netflix movies right now to watch…gah what am I going to do with my time?

Oh I talked to my brother Shane today and he said he was going to get me a Xbox Live Kit for my birthday!!!! Wow. I am stunned! His reasoning for it was that it comes with a camera that I can hook up and they can see on their TV … so my family will be able to see Morella since none of them have had the finances or ability to see her yet. This is a great idea! I hope it pans out…

Well I should warm up a bottle in preparation for The Transfer (to bed). I also need some lotion on my hands. I have noticed that after having this baby my skin has become…dry. I guess I really am a Mom now.

I went through pictures so that I know which ones to put in the gallery when I get a few more minutes. But for now, here are two.

BIL Phil babysat for me when I had a doctor appointment last Friday.

What a cutie pie!! 7 weeks — also taken last Friday. See I am behind one week.

I think I have settled on my New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Respond to correspondence (maybe this should include phone calls??) in 10 business days.
2. Have baby and marriage survive this year intact.
3. Go on vacation.
4. Make sure to fit in at least an hour of “me” time in the day.

Later –

Morella is having a sleepy day. Which works out because I went and met Hilary, Leta and Cullen over at Cool Beans for some coffee today. I had a nice lunch while I was at it and throughly enjoyed myself. I came home just in time for Voyager and *crosses fingers* Morella has been pretty handable today. Maybe that is because last night I got some good sleep! I decided to put in ear plugs – but only just a little so that they would fall out, but enough to dampen all the noises so that I could go to sleep. I was pure, silent heaven and I was out in less than 5 minutes. I repeated this after the 4:00 feed and pump and it worked like a dream. That means I got a good 7 hours of sleep. Then after I gave her the morning medicine and she ate an ounce or two she got sleepy and instead of holding her and napping on the couch, I put her in the swing and took a nap on the couch myself. MUCH better, let me tell you.

But really, I think she is just having a sleepy day which makes up for the last two very awake days she has had.

In addition to getting out of the house, I am also finding and making some time to write again. I started with my journal, and Morella’s journal, as well as replying to emails and letters. It’s a start — but I feel SO much better now that I am writing again. I know I write blogs, but this is way more structured and filtered than what my private journals hold. Sometimes you need to be able to be redundant, sloppy and whiney. Paper journals accomplish that goal for me. I guess everyone has their coping mechanism and mine is definitely writing.

Now if I only I could find a way to make it pay some bills.