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Athena and I have thrush. And a yeast infection for me which tipped me off to it. It sucks folks. It really sucks. I am taking probitoics, spraying vinegar on the nipples and I emailed both my doctor and the pediatrician asking for help but no response. I guess I’ll call tomorrow.

Athena has been super fussy the whole last day. She was up a lot last night and for good stretches of time too. Not that eating and then sleeping bit…oh no not her.

My back hurts. My breasts hurt and the probiotics have made me gassy. Super fun to be with, I can tell you.

I am not looking forward to the travelling this weekend to get her baptised. Going to the park with Morella and Athena feels like an epic chore and I find myself wanting to go home after an hour because it just seems easier. The house is a disaster again and Morella has been into everything.

But really, right now I want this thrush to go away and stop hurting, and for Athena to just eat and go to sleep and stop howling.

Newborns are not that much fun.

My emotions feel like they are in a million different places. I don’t even know where to start writing. I feel like if I have the time to write I should probably be sleeping, but who knows how long or if that would happen? Alot of the time I settle down for a nap and Athena decides “Nope, I want to fuss and eat.”

Noontimes are terrible. Today it was three crying beings – Athena, Morella and Pluto. The consequences of Tim going back to work carry heavy weight. Even he is tired and exhausted and coming home to an energetic Morella pushes the limits.

Tonight she didn’t go to sleep per usual. So he danced with her to Jane’s Addiction and Dairy of Dreams. That music brings me back to when she was an infant and it was the only thing that soothed her. It seems a little dark to me. It doesn’t to Tim though. He wonders what Athena’s song is going to be.

I feel like I want Athena to hurry up and get a little older. In part because then she will have a more predictable schedule which means I will have a better idea of what time is mine, and what I can do with it. On the other hand, I don’t want to wish away her newborn days. But yet again I am reminded of “The first three months are hell.” I thought that was true for Morella and part of me thinks it’s true for Athena even though she is so far an easy baby than Morella ever was. I just feel so torn about that. Grow up but make sure I memorize every little thing before you do. You can’t do both right?

Ann came over and took Morella to the park for two hours with her and Noah. Morella loved it and ran and ran and burned off all that toddler energy that I can’t do with her having a newborn at the breast. Then again I couldn’t do it while being really pregnant — but at least I forced myself out and to the park and for walks at least twice a day. I feel a little bit tied to the house because of the unpredictability of Athena. When will that ease? Will it be three months?

Then the swine flu had entered my thoughts and I worry about what will happen this fall. Will I decide to not leave the house and the back yard? An entire winter here … no that would be impossible. Maybe just until we have all had our shots and the proper immunization time has passed. Maybe.

It was so nice to have Ann take Morella — she is such a good friend. I hope that I can one day return all the wonderful favors she has bestowed upon us. As well as the kindness that others have shown us. I know that the best thing I can do right now is accept the offers of help and be grateful they are there. Sometimes the hardest thing is accepting help though, you know? As Americans we are brought up to believe that we should be able to do it ourselves. Okay..well that is one ideology. I am not sure if everyone thinks that — in particular I am reminded of all the folks who say “The government/tribe ect never did anything for me.” But I digress.

My back hurts from bad positioning in the couch. I should try to transfer Athena to the cosleeper and start the bedtime process that probably means I won’t get to sleep until 12 — like the last two nights.

The one thing that is free to roam is my mind. I don’t think I have ever been so full of ideas on who I want to write, what I want to write, how to write it, what I want to read, who I want to talk to etc. Of course, when I start these, I never actually finish them. I have so many unfinished letters littering my house right now. I should just start a note book and section off parts for letters that one day may or may not be sent. At least they would be in one spot. Then again, I haven’t even made an entry into Athena’s journal, and my own journal lies neglected on the dresser. The only journal seeing some love is the computer and that is because I can manage to find a few minutes to type, inbetween naps or bathroom breaks or putting out fires.

Lastly, my coping thought the past two weeks is “How is Dexter going to adjust to fatherhood?” and just imagining it. You would be surprised at soothing that thought can be. I can’t wait for the new season to start.

Oh my god. This morning was a total diaster. We went to the red park for the Monday playdate. Athena was fussy, and would’t stop crying because there was construction going on 25 feet from where we were — banging, pounding, beeping…it was so loud and distracting. I couldn’t nurse her into submission and eventually had to give up. So I went to the car to get everyone’s dishes much to Morella’s howling dismay. By the time we left, I lost a sock and a receiving blanket and was treated to more crying all the way home.

At home, I got Morella’s lunch ready and gave it to her while Athena fussed and cried in the swing. Morella of course rewarded me by not eating any of her food and smearing it every which way. I finally put her down and attended to Athena who has been spitting up off and on all morning. She is on her every other day eating binge and while she slept through most of the night – she did get up at least four times to eat. I guess I consider it a success if she only eats and then falls back asleep versus staying up for two hours.

Ugh. I feel a little shakey about it all and am royally pissed that the neighbor next door is fucking using a chain saw for the last hour and half with no signs of stopping. Why do I feel like I live in the world’s loudest neighbhorhood? Can’t everyone just shut up for three hours and give me a break?

Crap. More chirruping from the bedroom. Please go to sleep Athena.

Newborn Athena Photoshoot by Sara

More photos from the newborn shoot can be seen here in the Athena Gallery.

Athena was up last night from 1-3. Oh please sleep well tonight baby girl. Just get up and eat and go back to sleep so that we can all survive our first full day without Daddy helping us out. To say that I am a little nervous about how tomorrow is going to go is an understatement.

On the other hand, she didn’t not display signs of colic last night — just wanting to eat and be rocked. I hope tonight goes as well.

I am having a cup of half caf and waiting for Athena to wake up and want to eat a late lunch. After I posted I chatted with Hilary who suggested gas. I hadn’t thought of that, so I went in and started to bicycle her legs which seemed to calm her a bit, and whenever we touched her tummy it was hard and she would cry. I figured we could try mylicon because it won’t hurt her — and I think it actually did help because she seemed calmer after that, and eventually dozed and nursed herself to sleep at around 1:30.

She got up again around 5 to snack and then went back down without too much incident. However, Morella woke up crying at 5:30 — and didn’t stop after a minute or two. Very unusual for her. Tim went to get her and brought her back to bed with us for about 30 minutes before she wanted to get up and play. She didn’t sleep but she was very good at being quiet and chilling with us. It was nice. Morella never did cuddle or want to sleep with us. I sometimes wonder if she will change her mind on that when she is older.

She pretty much had the run of the house for the morning and Tim deployed the age old tactic of “Saturday morning cartoons” to get a little more time for shut eye. Athena wanted to eat again at 8ish, so I just got up, changed her diaper and fed her while watching Morella play and watch TV in the living room. Then it was breakfast time for Morella and then I said we all needed to go back to bed. So we did and everyone slept another good 2-3 hours.

Ahhh. What a feeling it is to be refreshed. I really like sleep and try to make it a priority to have as much as I can. Well, as much as is appropriate. You know, I don’t want to spend a whole, perfectly good day in bed, but I do like to get about 7-8 hours of sleep accumulative in a day’s time.

After getting up and feeding Athena (and putting her back down to sleep), Morella played for awhile outside, I looked at the computer while Tim did whatever it is that Tim does. I think he shaved. I gave Morella her lunch – Carl Budding lunchmeat (she at the whole packet), watermelon, cream cheese sandwich and dried cherries. Then changed her diaper, put some socks on her to go with her sandals (we really need to buy closed toed shoes for her — she only has one pair of shoes) and sent her off with Tim to take a bike ride over to Elmside Circle Park to play and then get vegetables.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here writing this post and listening to Pluto whine in the living room. I expect Athena to wake soon and then will feed her … and then yeah. You know, I don’t know why I didn’t realize how easy it was Morella…I mean. Okay it wasn’t easy. But you know with one baby, you just feed them, they sleep and you can go about your business. It’s much harder with two babies (Thank you, I will accept that Award for Orginal Thought’s). When Tim has Morella I just marvel at how much I could do with one baby, even if I was holding them and feeding them most of the time. I mean, the nursing alone — I feel like I have TONS of time to read. I now understand why Sarah gave me magazines to read when I first had Morella. The difference is, of course, is that Morella never fed well and I couldn’t take my eyes off her latch…

Oh Athena cries.

Oh no.

Athena is two weeks old today. Yesterday at her check she weighed a good 9 pounds and was 21.2 inches long, and was given a clean bill of health. The RN told me that the latest theory in colic is that at some point in the day they are overstimulated and to look back on the day to see where they might have gotten it and to try and reduce it. I asked her when colic started and she said …. two weeks.

Okay. So Athena was great all day — though she did feed almost every two hours for the last 24 hours. Tonight she started to spit up a little again and what’s worse is that when she would eat she would pull away in sudden crying fits. Tim and I both think it’s pretty clear she has reflux.

Today I ate a lot of lasagna for lunch, and had pizza for dinner and garlic bread. So it could be the garlic, onions and large amounts of dairy that brought this on. I know, it’s just one day and to reduce the dairy to see if that helps. But you know what? One day is already bad enough to bring back all of the memories of Morella’s first six months. We know that dairy is what caused Morella to have her problems (or at least I heavily suspect it) so I guess I should count that as having one clue to the puzzle.

But god, can we do another round of this? Crying uncontrollably every single night for hours on end? Never knowing when you are going to sleep? Not knowing if every little thing you eat is going to cause it? Wondering, doubting, and grasping at straws for an answer?

I mean, do normal non reflux babies have nights where they cry like this? Where they pull away from the breast/bottle in seeming pain?

She is in the cradle swing right now with the noise button on. Tim tried to turn it off and she howled. Am I going to spend my night on the couch waiting for her to really be asleep?

Breath. Calm down. It’s one night. Don’t eat dairy tomorrow and see if tomorrow is any better. Take it one day at a time. One hour. And yes, I know, it will pass. One day, it will pass and she will go to bed like Morella and sleep the night through and no longer seem to be in pain. But when you are only at the two week mark looking down the path to follow, it sure as heck seem long, dark and unhappy for everyone involved.

On a somewhat better note, the nightly anxiety I was feeling has decreased. Thank god. I can only imagine how much worse it would make tonight if that wasn’t the case. On the other hand I would rather take the few hours of anxiety if it meant that we didn’t have nights like this.

Today I had a newborn photo shoot done for Morella. One of the ladies in the Playgroup is a budding photographer and working to build up her portfolio. In exchange for using wee Athena as a her subject for a couple hours I will get some awesome pictures! One of which I plan on using for Athena’s birth announcement and then sending out when we do thank you cards.

I was thinking though today — because Athena spit up a little this morning and seemed to not be interested in second breakfast — if the yogurt and garlic heavy cucumber salad had something to do with it, or if she was starting to get reflux. I know, I should banish that awful thought from my head. Don’t go there Laura! You will regret it! But since I did, I might as will finish.

I was trying to remember or recall if Morella’s reflux was there from the beginning or if it was something that she worked into after the two week baby moon period had ended. Then I wondered when she had started her colic — was it two weeks later or was it because of the not being able to eat and THEN turned into colic….so I went back to look. It looks like I did a post at 9 days where I mentioned her “witching” hours from 10-2. If I was able to figure out that there were witching hours I can only assume that it was well in progress. I can see that I was clearly frustrated. Reading back on those entries is like looking into a dark looking glass. I see darkness, lamplight, tears, pacing, wailing infant, doubt, etc. It’s such a different experience from now.

Don’t get me wrong, Athena will and does cry — and when she does it’s quick to be angry and willful and it’s usually for something quite specific — boob.

To be able to nurse is such a … relief. It’s is a thousand times easier than exclusively pumping, or trying to feed a baby who won’t latch, can’t drink, and after trying for 40 minutes you have to give up and pump anyway. I feel like I have so much more time in the day. Something I wasn’t able to really enjoy with Morella (because I had to pump/prepare bottles/wash equipment when she was asleep). I am so thankful that the problems we did have with Morella happened with her when she was the only one we had to take care of. Can you just imagine how much it would suck if it was reversed? Okay, I should even try to imagine that. I feel like if I do then I might invite that future in.

I can be so superstitious sometimes.

Okay. So with said free time this afternoon, I was able to upload some photos. Here are a few of my favorite — you can see the rest in the August 2009 Gallery.

I have some great pictures from this weekend that I will try to post this week — so there something to keep you coming back other than my mommy ramblings.

It’s 8:50. Morella is in bed after having a fantastic evening having out with her Grandma, Grandpa and two small dogs. Oh you should have seen her face light up when saw who had come to the door! It’s amazing what one weekend of solid Grandma on granddaughter time can do.

We have 10,000 BC in right now for a movie. Athena is sleeping in the cradle swing after having sucked me dry from a power cluster feed earlier. It was a good day. A wonderful day that ended with me feeding Morella and reading the entertainment section of the Sunday paper, while Tim sat in the glider reading a portion of the paper and Morella on the floor surrounded by a pile of books. All was quiet and content. I decided then again for the thousandth time that I would write down at least one special memory a day. A drop in the lake of all the special memories in our lives. Something to hold onto and help battle this sadness I feel at the end of each day. What is today? Day 8 after Athena’s birth? It will be interesting to see if this lessens in another six to eight days. Surely I wasn’t like this before. Surely this is just my manifestation of the baby blues, just as it is for me to overreact over things like a super, smelly umbilical cord.

I feel like a broken record, saying the same thing over and over each night. I really should confine this to my paper journal but there I tend to go overboard and get overwhelmed thinking about all the things I want to write and then don’t start.

Lastly, I over did it today. I was feeling pretty good and so I cleaned, and rough housed with Morella and skipped the nap but by evening I sure felt it. I have to remember, it’s only been a week. A week isn’t that much time to really recover from an exhaustively long pregnancy where I can now admit I was uncomfortable pretty much the entire time.

An update. I called the pediatrician at first to get advice on what to do and the nurse is the one who said to bring her in. Well the appointment was quick in and out and the Doctor said it wasn’t bad at all. In fact, by then it had started to look much better and was in fact a little loose. He listened with interest on the advice I got in cord care (or in this case the lack of) and said “I’ve been a doctor for 30 years and we were always told to clean it alcohol. It’s how it’s been done for a 100 years but now they gotta go and change things that aren’t broken.”

Maddie – the lady who dropped off this most awesome mexican inspired fish dish caught me in the midst of my little overreaction and called her Mom to ask (who happens to be a pediatrician). She later called back to say that her Mom sees lots and lots of babies with stinky cords and that it doesn’t mean it’s infected and to just clean it with alcohol.

So. I felt better. I even went to bed at a decent time – 10:30PM. Athena was able to go bed with me since she had been eating, crying and eating all day and was tuckered out.

You wanna know happened after all of that? Her cord fell off during the night.

Sigh. Well. Live and learn, right?

UGH UGH UGH!

Athena’s umbilical stump is infected. I am taking her to Urgent Care at 8:00 to have them look at it. I noticed the foul smell last night but chalked it off to stinky baby syndrome but today it was super noticeable. I almost feel like its a penance I have to pay to smell it as I find myself constantly comfort feeding her today. Our little baby who would eat and sleep keeps eating and waking and crying today.

The new policy at St. Mary’s was to leave the stump alone and let the “special enzymes” found in the cord heal it. Of course that strategy wouldn’t work for us. Those rare cases of infected cords, and newborn teeth have to happen to Athena. I pray to god that this is where the special rare cases end and she goes on to be an exceptionally happy and healthy baby/toddler/kid/teenager/adult.

I’ll update later on what the doctor says. For the moment she is sleeping in the cradle swing, jacked up to high. I had turned on the soothing noise as loud as possible to help her to go sleep. I am not looking forward to waking her up and putting her in the carseat that might bump the cord, figuring out what clothes to put her in for the trip and ..blah blah blah. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have put her in onsies but T-shirts and just a diaper. I thought that the onsie would be breathable enough to allow for air circulation without letting the cord get bumped or irritated by feeding and holding and what not. We should have just cleaned it with alcohol like we did with Morella because we had no problems with her cord.