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Josh is doing better, he was taken off the life giving blood machine, but has developed a mysterious fever while they say will lengthen his recovery. He’s still sleeping in a chemically induced slumber, so it’s all still wait and see.

Speaking of slumber – I feel a little sad for Athena and myself. Sleeping with her in our bed has gotten much more difficult the bigger she has gotten. Like many, she prefers to sleep with her arms stretched out beside her with not a care in the world. She should care though, because that little stinker started fell out of out bed three times last night, each time I rescued her after she cried and put her back on the edge. [Do not worry Mommy Police, there is a cosleeper right there so she can't actually fall and hurt herself, it's a 3 inch drop, which can be uncomfortable at best.] I am also tired of my right arm falling asleep, and not being able to turn onto my stomach to back whenever I want, as well as cover up with as many blankets as I want. Lastly, she is taking forever to go to sleep at night and seems to be using me as a glorified pacifier.

In short, my girl needs some sleep training skills. I have two goals right now: 1. She sleep in her cosleeper and 2. She can go to sleep without being nursed. These are important because it means that Tim, or another caregiver would be able to put her down without needing me. I am also hoping that by doing this, she will sleep longer and learn to help sooth herself. It took me an hour to get her down tonight and she woke up after 30 minutes in which case Tim went in there to offer comfort. She didn’t want it, so he put her back down and left. She cried for about 5-7 minutes before she went to sleep again. She did that “Cry..pause…cry….pause” thing where she waits to see if someone will come.

I wish I had taken detailed notes on how we did this with Morella. But you know, Morella was easier. She was sleeping through the night at 8 weeks all by herself and by the time she was three months she didn’t need a midnight feeding. Each baby is different — I know, but it would be nice to remember the exact details considering it wasn’t that long ago.

I still have to work out when I nurse her and where. We both do best with the side lying position, but maybe I should start to feed her sitting up in the living room before going to bed to separate the two. But would I still be able to nurse her down for naps in bed? Or … sigh. Sometimes nursing her like that is my favorite part of the day except at night when she won’t go to sleep!

Consistency. I know. Sigh. I wish we had a king sized bed.

I hope it’s over, it will go down in my memory as one of the worst weeks ever. I know that by comparison some other weeks will be way worse and I know that, but for now, this was one of the worst weeks in recent history. I am grateful that they aren’t often. A recap.

Monday: Stomach flu. I barely left the new carpet. Terrible headache.

Tuesday: Put Pluto down. Morella has stomach flu. Multiple vomiting in bed. Lots of laundry. Headache and bad tummy ache persists.

Wednesday: Our 6 month old brand new super computer, doesn’t turn on at first. Tim fixes it for 10 minutes, then it catches fire. Something with the power supply. We sent it back on Saturday – but are looking at no major computer for at least a month. Sick crabby Morella continues. Athena crabby too. Headache finally goes away. No Neener nap.

Thursday: Coffee maker dies before the first cup. Kids are crabby but at least Morella is starting to eat again. No Neener nap. I manage to sneak out later while Karen is here to buy a new one, and one of those metal stove top espresso makers I have wanted for 15 years.

Friday: Tim fails his latest microsoft test. We hope that is it for bad luck. I got an awesome care package in the mail from my friend Sarah – items included Natural trail mix, two bars of chocolate, cherry puffs, toddler twists, waffle fries, bunny washing pouf, oragel teeth brushing set (with Elmo so Morella is obsessed with it) and a beautiful card. Thank you so much Sarah – a proper thank you is in on the list…which at this point is long. Which a good thing, right? To have so many good friends? I start thinking maybe the worst of it has passed. I pack up the kids and head to the grocery store to get food for fish tacos — we had dinner guests that night. Come back. Morella naps. Athena doesn’t. I start the dinner and see that I have a message from Mom. I listen to it and stop everything. I put down Athena and listen to it again. My second youngest brother Josh suffered a severe asthma attack during the night and at that point had only a 10% chance of survival.

What the fuck. Seriously?

Anyway. I didn’t know what to do. I asked Tim’s parents to watch Morella and they said they could. But before they could leave Milwaukee I mentioned to Tim that I was going to miss her and he said “let’s take her with us. We should stay together in case something happens.” Meaning — with the kind of luck we were having would YOU risk separating? So we called and canceled. It turned out that they put Josh on some kind of machine that is normally used for by passing the heart, but also works for by passing the lungs.

Long and short of it, he survived because of this machine, and because each hospital recognized that they couldn’t give him the help he needed. He ended up at the Mayo St. Mary’s Hospital in Rochester, MN — flown via helicopter! I’ve never even been in a helicopter, so now Josh finally one upped me.

Oh and Tim develops the stomach flu.

Saturday - drive to MN, find out our hotel is not close to the hospital, forget Tim’s work laptop at home, and the girls didn’t go to sleep until 1:00 AM. That made for awesome day today, let me tell you. Meet up with my Mom and other brother Shane while visiting Josh. I buy them dinner from a vending machine because the cafeteria had closed at 7:00.

Sunday - Josh is much improved. He is out of the woods for dying, but still very serious. Eventually we all did get sleep. I enjoyed a hot shower and went to visit Josh by myself before leaving, on my way back to the hotel from the hospital I find $10 in the middle of an empty parking lot. I stop the car and get it. I figure it’s the universe’s way of saying “Hey, sorry your dog died. Here’s $10.”

Extra notes:

-I joked with Tim that the ultimate purpose behind all of this was to get us to Rochester and that we are going day going to live in that weird, little town.

-On Friday I did a smudge of the us and the house. I like to think that is when the surgery for Josh was a success and things started to turn around.

–I had to cancel a play date for the second time on Sunday — I am beginning to suspect I look like I don’t want to actually meet.

-I realized this week I am a stress eater.

-The care package came in super handy for fun snacks for this road trip.

-I miss Pluto.

Friday’s nugget of joy was not Tim failing his latest Microsoft test, it was my younger brother Josh suffering a major asthma attack and nearing death. He had a 10% chance of survival Friday night. They did a surgery that inserts a machine with tubes that basically bypass his lungs, because they were not working. I know, very technical of me but you know it’s 10:00 at night and we have two awake kids in the hotel room, one of which is making me Apple Pie with the microwave. Oh now Tim gets some Apple Pie in the shape of pants.

Anyway. He was flown from the Eau Claire hospital via helicopter around midnight last night and is here at the St. Mary’s Mayo hospital facility. We all drove over to visit him today and meet up with my other brother Shane, my Mom and the people who gave them a ride (nice people). My stepdad opted to stay home and drink himself into obvilion and my other brother didn’t have the cash or will to come. So yeah. Here we are. Athena is crying and needs to go to sleep. I need to get Morella to stop playing with the microwave.

Bets on who is getting sleep tonight?

PS…Josh is doing much better and his chances of survival has increased greatly.

I wish I was making this stuff up. But today the coffee maker’s heating element mysteriously just stopped working. We had to boil water over the stove and then pour it through the top – camping style to get our morning cup of joe. Yesterday I said the computer caught fire, I wasn’t kidding. It smoked and filled the house with ozone and acrid smoke in which we needed to open windows to let out toxic fumes with the overhead fan on. Tim said that it should still be under warranty so we are going to send it back this week — and hopefully get some resolution on it before long.

Meanwhile, I am starting to feel like a black cloud lingers over this house. What other bad thing is going to happen? I am almost a little afraid to leave the house. But I must, for we need a new coffee maker. I’ll take the back roads and be extra vigilant.

Morella is better today. She ate 6 mini pancakes, a few bites of banana, and is now picking fights with Neena left and right.
“That’s MINE Neena. That is MY barn Neena. That is MY milk Neena. No Neena, that is MINE! No Neena play. No Neena talk!”

I think we get the picture.

I told Morella she is crabby. “No, not crabby! No sleep!”
Ha ha, I take it that when I say that she crabby it’s usually followed by me putting her down for a nap. I can believe that. The she’ll follow it up with “No Weh Weh diaper…change!”

Because you know, when you go down for a nap, you earn a new diaper.

Okay, I think my 10 minutes of computer time are up for now. After spending the last hour building lego barns for Morella and lego houses for Athena to dissemble, I needed a few minutes of me time. Besides Morella went to her room to poop in her diaper and now I have …. oh no wait. She just brought he wet bar out. In order to try and get her drink liquid yesterday she had no less than four drinks. Water. Juice. Watered down soda. Soy milk. All of which had to accompany her to bed last night to be perched on her night table.

Last night we decorated eggs for the first time. She was very excited.

Oh got a phone call that ate up 9 minutes and now Neeners is giving me the hairy eye ball and Morella is almost done pooping. Maybe I should brush my hair today.

Okay. Really, I get it. We are having a string of bad luck, but when will it end? Monday, I get a case of the stomach flu. Tuesday, Pluto dies and Morella is up all night puking … er “burping” her guts out all over her bed (lots of laundry today) and Wednesday – today – Our main 6 month old desktop computer fucking catches fire! So now we only have our laptop until we can get the main computer fixed.

My mantra today is “one thing at a time.” I am just doing one thing at a time as they come up. Live in the absolute present and change a diaper, wash diapers, read stories to a sick Morella, nurse for the 1000th time, put a little laundry away, pick up a toy, make some lunch, miss our dog, check the mail, make a post…. My main point is try not to get overwhelmed thinking about how much there is to do in this house, or when Morella is going to get better or worry about how crappy she is feeling, or worry that my milk supply is messed up by not eating much for three days, but instead just do one thing at a time. Get through this hour. This afternoon. This day. This week. Things aren’t always this crappy. These things happen. March will soon be over and April will be here with the real promise of spring. In the meantime, my three day headache is finally gone and I can actually eat a little. I have some energy back. I have two wonderful little girls who need me to carry them, read to them, play with them, a husband to hug, a house to live in, a little grey cat who is showering us all with love, friends who care and hopefully, just hopefully this is it. No more bad luck for this month. No more illnesses. No more death. No more big things breaking.

Our Pluto is gone. Tim wrote a fitting memorial here but it can best be said by

“But just a mere couple weeks ago prostate cancer snuck up on Pluto. It was a short rollercoaster ride, filled with more fear and dread than joy. We watched him shed pounds before our eyes, grow lethargic, and have pain as a constant companion. And today that cancer took him from us. And I want him back. I want him back. I want him back. “

I am so exhausted from this, and several rounds of sickness that have overcome our household — the last being the stomach flu. I got it Sunday night and am still recovering and Morella got it tonight – throwing up twice in her bed. We are just so … sad, tired and defeated. I never knew how hard it would be to let him go. Having a family pet as an adult is such an entirely different thing then when I was a kid. For one, no dogs were ever allowed in the house, much less take over a couch.

That said, here is a little photo montage of our dear, sweet Pluto. Oh we miss you so already.

I need some serious motivation for today.  Yesterday was a whirlwind of Doctor appointments.  One for me in the morning and one for Athena in the afternoon because her mysterious fever, crankiness and overall sad baby syndrome returned.  I actually managed to see her real pediatrician who said she either has a mild case of pneumonia or, mostly likely, a sinus infection.  She was prescribed amoxicillian and I am to alternate between ibuprofen and acetaminophen for the next two days.

Awake 6:45. Athena seems good spirited. I get up and feed the cats and let out Pluto, rewash the diapers sitting in the washer for two days. Morella is awake in bed.
7:15 (this part is a little freewheeling because I didn’t get the idea until 9:15….) Change Athena’s diaper. Have breakfast (cereal for me, Morella and Athena) Open the drapes. Put dishes in dishwasher. Use the bathroom. Change Morella’s diaper. Drink coffee. Watch Sesame Street. Nurse Athena. Tim leaves for work. Go to the computer.

9.15 Neena on floor grousing playing . Morella tries to sit on her. I pick up Morella and play, wear her like a scarf. Athena tries to crawl and falls flat on face, gets stuck. Pick up Athena cue tantrum from Morella.

I go pee and change the toilet paper roll, pick up broken doll head with toes – all while holding Athena.  Morella rages on. I come back to the office and inquire if she is done yet. No. So I go back to the bathroom. Put Athena on the floor. Wash my face, put in contacts, call Emily to see if she wants to take a walk. She can’t because she is watching a baby and her back is hurting. I make vague comments about the afternoon. Get Athena dressed, long red heart shirt with red pants, and change her diaper.

9:39 – Get Morella dressed. Long sleeved white onsie and her “elmo” shirt over it. (There is teeny little patch on the sleeve with Elmo’s face). Jeans. I call Kathleen and leave message about babysitting Daphne this afternoon. Morella jumps on the bed. Athena plays on the floor. I let Arkham out of the basement. I have Morella take off her cozy sweater (she won’t use a blanket at night so she wears a fleece sweater over her jammies), she takes off her pants, and I help her a little with her shirt. Bonus, she takes off her diaper (not bonus really…it wasn’t that wet). I put lotion on her back because it looks like its been attacked by a tiger. Then dress the greased pig. She makes that task as difficult as possible. Fix her hair.

9:52 – Find Athena and me socks. PUt them on. Nurse Athena (to see if she’ll nap) while making the bed. Decide to not finish the job because I want to change the sheets later on. Put on socks.

10:00 – Check outside thermometer (45) and then internet to see if it will get warmer. It will, so I change plans to go to Target instead. Tried to get Morella to stop screwing around and get her shoes. She won’t get out of her bed. So I say fine, take a nap. I turn of the light and shut the door. Cue tantrum. In that two minute time out, I jacket and buckle in Athena to her carseat. THen I get Morella and we put our shoes on. She wants to wear Noah’s coat. No she wants to wear her own coat. No she really meant Noah’s coat. (she got Noah’s coat yesterday because I had sent her over with a winter coat). Kathleen calls, it’s tomorrow that she might need someone and she already has someone else lined up. Refill Morella’s sippy cup. Check diaper bag. Get everyone out of the house. Load the car with kids and head out.

10:34 – Just as I am approaching Target I remember that Animart has a story time on Tuesdays at 10:30 that I have been meaning to check out. I decide to go there. Athena was asleep but wakes up. Nutz. It’s a zoo there…there are 45 kids and at least 25 adults. I grab a 1/2 cup of free coffee and drink it while befriending Brooke, the woman next to me. I sense that she wants to hang out and talk more, but Morella is antsy and it’s too crowded. She says she hopes to see me around and that she is there every Tuesday. We leave the room, look at animals, get some free popcorn and leave.

11:09 – Head to Target.
11:15 – Target. Put Athena in Ergo. Walk Morella to store. Use the bathroom. Put Morella in a cart. I get a little pink purse, flower headband, miniwhoppers, egg chalk, sidewalk chalk with holder, barrettes (dang those dollar bins!) a wind up yellow chick, flower wall hooks, a box of nerds, waterproof mattress cover, size 3 up and up diapers.
11:50 – Leave
12:03 – McDonalds’ drive thru for a medium ice coffee, and a fillet o fish combo.
12:15 – Arrive home. Unload kids. Morella takes off her coat and shoes. Change Athena’s poopy diaper. I get lunch ready (she get’s half the combo), and nurse Athena while Morella disappears for awhile and is quiet (pooping).
12:25 – Change MOrella’s poopy diaper.
12:36 – Eat
12:40 – Morella stops eating and goes to her room. I go to bathroom to lock cabinet.
12:42 – Reheat some leftovers to compliment lunch (I do not eat Morella’s half). Put dishes in dishwasher while it’s reheating
12:44 – Eat leftover goulash. Athena is playing on couch. Morella sings and plays with a doll. “Weh wha baby go beep.” She says. I agree.
12:47 – Naptime initiated. Morella goes down without a fight. I take Athena to bed and nurse her. She isn’t eating much and her diapers are lightly wet. It’s the sinus infection.
12::57 – Athena is asleep.
12:59-1:45 – We all sleep.
1:47 – Athena wakes. I nurse her back down.
1:57 – I make a break for it.
1:58 – Athena is howling. Nurse down again.
2:07 – I make a break for it. Success! I go to the computer and log on. Check email, start looking at Reader and LJ.
2:18 – Loud noise emanates from bedroom. Go in to see guilty looking cat and Athena screaming. Nurse Athena back to sleep.
2:24 – Escape. Go and put diapers into dryer. Bring up covers and fleece liners. Put outside to dry.Check mail (2 netflix, census, hochunk paper, dog license — we are the stage now where we don’t know if we should renew it…) Morella is awake in her bed.
2:36 – Livejournal
2:49 – Athena cries and Morella is up
2:50 – Motrin for Athena
3:00 – I call Emily back (she has left a message during nap time) and she wants to hang out. I say I will drop by on my way to the park. I get the kids ready. Change diapers. Put on socks and shoes. Refill milk cup. Get camera. Haul out double stroller, remember keys and phone. As I am leaving the house I see that Emily is standing in the driveway with her son in a wagon and the baby she watches in an umbrella stroller. I go out we chat, I put Morella in the wagon with Leo, the baby and Athena in the double stroller and fold up the umbrella to store in the double beast. We walk back to her house (2 blocks). Then Morella plays with my little pony, Athena tries to crawl, Leo plays, and we talk. I nurse Athena and then we leave.
4:45 – Walk back to house to get Morella’s milk cup that I forgot on top of the car. We walk to the blue park about five blocks away. Morella plays on slide for awhile. We go to the baby swings and swing, but Blond lady and her 16 mo kid come, shortly followed by slight ironic husband. I feel immediately like a big blustering loser after a failed attempts at conversation (as in they don’t ask any questions and stand awkwardly next to their son in the swing that Athena gave up for him). I decide it’s time to go home to make dinner and let Pluto out.

5:13 – Leave park.
5:25 – Arrive home. Unload kids. Let Pluto out. Unload stroller. Put strollers away into garage.
5:30 – Nurse Athen and change diaper (not very wet, so I keep it on) Yo Gabba Gabba is on and Morella watches.
5:40 – Let Pluto back in, add more time to dryer, put Athena in exersaucer and start washing undishwashable dishes. Start boiling water for lobster ravioli and pesto tortellini.
5:45 – Washing and putting away pots and pans. Making faces at Athena. Preheat oven.
5:50 – Tim arrives home. I go to computer to find olive oil based sauce for pasta. Text Sigrid about possibly going to a book reading tonight at 6:30. No response. Microwave a bag of frozen peas to go with dinner.
6:12 – Put Sara Lee (on sale) Apple Pie in oven. Make olive oil sauce and add to pasta. Make a plate for Morella. Finish putting out dinner. It’s time to eat!
6:21 – Change Athena poopy diaper. Morella get’s a time out for not coming to eat.
6:30 – Eating.
6:50 – Give Athena medicine. Nurse her while standing. She falls asleep immediately.
7:00 – Feed the cats. Decide to try and put Athena to bed early. Put her in jammies, she wakes up. Tim and Morella get ready to take Pluto on a walk.
7:09 – Nurse Athena in darkened room. She gets a second wind and starts playing. Sigh.
7:28 – Tim and Morella return. Pluto was dogging it, and peed a trickle once. He has no energy. He doesn’t eat anymore. He’s losing more weight and sleeping more. Give up on bedtime for Athena.
7:30 – Take out pie.
7:31 – Morella and Athena play together on the floor, until someone starts to cry.
7:38 – Take Athena to Morella’s room where Tim is to have him watch her while I pick up toys. Then I vacuum the living room, hall way and office while holding Athena in the other arm.
8:00 – Bed time. Tim changes Morella into jammies, puts her to bed and says her prayers.
8:03 – Athena goes to bed a second time. I nurse her down.
8:22 – Escape
8:25 – Wii Fit
8:55 – Put Wii Fit away. Drink some water. Clean off couch.
9:00 – Start watching How I met Your Mother while working on Granny Afghan
9:12 -Athena cries. I go in and administer acetaminophen . She looks like she having a night terror. I nurse her down.
9:20 – Escape. Back to watching HIMYM and crocheting.
9:39 – Finish show and crochet for another few minutes until Tim takes over the TV for Wii.
9:45 – Download photos onto computer and go through them deleting obvious bad ones.
10:00 – Start this post
10:20 – Athena cries. Tim goes in and tries to settle her. Her scream sounds terrible and he says she gets upset when she tries to swallow.
10:28 – I go in and nurse Athena down.
10:40 – Return to this post, get a snack, and drank some water.
11:24 – right now, I will add some pictures.

11:50 – Head to bed. Still need to take out contacts and get changed.

On Saturday, Athena and  I had turned the corner — marginally.  Still, after being cooped up for ever we all headed out to the newly opened (last year) Sun Prairie Target.  Unlike our current Target, which is undergoing renovations, merchandise displaced willy nilly and aisles so narrow only a small child could squeeze though – the SP Target is like heaven…with friendly employees eager to smile and help me out, should I need it.  Anyway.  One of our main reasons for being there, was to look for Disney bedding. It was time to transition Morella to her big girl bed — the twin.  Tim ended up finding the princess trio in a sheet set that included a pillow case.  He took apart the day bed, we stacked the daybed mattress on top of the trundle and then switched the daybed with the crib/toddler bed, so that her new bed would be in the same location.  She had shown interest in sleeping in that bed before but couldn’t hack it. I think it was because she couldn’t see through the cracked door…anyway.  The point of this ramble is that Morella is a in a big girl bed.   My little girl, is in a normal bed. Wow.

It’s actually kind of funny. Since the door is open a crack I peek in there every time I walk past the door.  Every single time she is in a completely new position, sometimes sprawling, sometimes huddled with her butt sticking up in the air or laying on her tummy all stretched out. Once I even saw her laying half off the bed on her knees sort of like she was praying.

Today I feel a ton better. So does Athena.  Morella is better. Tim is better…we all for the moment, doing much better. It feels like it was a long time coming.  I still haven’t regained my sense of smell, taste or hearing but I can sense it’s there.  What a nasty stretch of a cold that was. It feels like it was two weeks of punishment. A haze.

Moving on.  Today we accidentally went to the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Yesterday’s weather was so nasty that they apparently rescheduled.  I had been a little bummed about not going yesterday but glad to not be out on the bleak weather.  Today, it was sunny and mid 50’s! We had gone downtown to attend the CSA open house so that we could meet our new CSA people.  Along the way we heard bag pipes and saw people heading up towards the square.   The genius that I am, I put two and two together.   We got some beads, some head gear I’ll have the girls wear on Wednesday, and candy. It was such an unexpected delight, to be honest.  Morella’s second parade and Athena’s first.

It’s now midnight. This daylight saving’s time thing sucks.  Everyone took naps until … 7:00. The day was just royally messed up you know. Tomorrow will be just as sucky I am sure getting up an hour earlier.   I am looking forward to the extra sunlight, sure…but adjusting to the new time with little kids is the pits.

Lastly, I just want to note that nursing Athena is really one of the most wonderful things that I have ever done in my life.  Tonight, as I cradled her to sleep in the crook my arm as she nursed I felt this incredible bond.  In the wide expanse of our bed, in the dark I lay with my little baby girl.  I find myself marveling at her these past few weeks. How  she was such a surprise to us, how she just came on her own and how she is starting to show real personality.  I get glimpses of the real Athena here and there…shining through the baby features.  Then I look at Morella and think back to even one year ago — how much and fast they change in the course of a year.  I find myself trying to imagine how Athena is going to look  and what she will be doing next year at this time.   But then, I don’t want to dwell on that too much.  That day will come, in the meanwhile I want to remember every square inch of my butt bouncing, trying to crawl, yakking little baby girl.  In the meantime, for a couple of hours a day she is mine. All mine.

You know stuff is happening when there are big spaces in time between blog posts.  Usually it’s because something stressful happened and then you recover, and then it’s been so long you don’t know where to begin and then blah blah blah.  I don’t want that to happen here. I feel like there is a ton of things I want to write about but I have been hindered by this illnesses.

Despite being sick the entire the time that the girls have been sick, it went and upped itself a notch yesterday. I couldn’t believe it. Not only that, but something is up with Athena and she is one heck of a crabby baby.  She does have a chest full of gunk and her coughing sounds painful, but she would also just shout and cry.  Last night she was doing just this when Tim finally said “Does she need some tylenol?”  I replied “Sure.”  Twenty minutes later she was asleep and stayed that way though the night, though she was cuddled next to me in the morning so I am not entirely sure when she made it back into my bed. Maybe for the early 4:00 feeding…or maybe I never put her back in the cosleeper because I was really tired and sad about being sick.  Whatever.  I gave her two more doses of tylenol throughout the day when she seemed to be ultra cranky again.  The first time she feel asleep almost immediately at the 20 minute mark, while I was holding her. The second time mid way through the afternoon after her long nap.   It’s just so un-Athena like behaviour. She is also really pissed when Morella comes anywhere near her.  Though, she has good reasons for that. I think I’ll ask to have her ears looked at tomorrow for her flu booster shot.  It seems like the kind of lingering illness that could foster a first ear infection.

Morella has turned into a little beast. She is feeling better from the great illness and has started to eat a bit more, not be as snot nosed (more like a trickle now instead of a raging river) – though she is doing some serious 2 year old behaviour.  Everything is MINE.  Anytime I ask her to do something she slows down dramatically and looks at me with “I dare you to do something about it” to running away in the opposite direction, to suddenly remember a thousand other tasks, and randomly throwing fits about things unrelated to the appointed task — such as “Come here and put your shoes on.”   Fine.  I can deal with that. What I do not like dealing with, and I know this is just the beginning… is how naughty she is being to Athena.   It just seems … deliberate.  She pushes her over. She hug/chokes her. Today she got a time out for banging a box on her head hard (that she has just ripped out of Athena’s chubby little grasp). The kicker is that when she gets Athena to cry she starts to tease her! “Uhnnn uhnn uhnnn” she’ll repeat along with Athena.  I swear, two year olds are the meanest kid ever.  And the sweetest. Like the other day she woke up and came running into the room with two toys for Athena to play with – a bunny puppet and a teether.   She even let Athena play with them once she gave them to her.  But for the most part these past two days, Morella is not very nice when in close quarters to the baby.  I think Athena knows it because she starts to cry as soon as Morella comes near her.  That said, I do think that Athena is also just sick and not feeling herself.

Yesterday I felt like a trapped bear.  Pacing the house with a evil plotting kid and a clingy baby. Looking outside at yet another grey overcast day. Kids still too sick to take into public without getting judging stares.  Tim finally told me to go outside because it was 50 degrees. I didn’t believe it,  but I was willing to take the risk of going through the whole effort of getting everyone ready if only to leave the house for five minutes.  It was glorious. It was so warm I got away with wearing just a hoodie and down vest.  No hat. No gloves. We walked Pluto, dropped him off and then I walked over to my friend Ann’s house.  We stopped on the way at the park and swung for 10 minutes (Morella laughed the entire time at Athena –  I have some great pictures), then dawdled while Morella walked and looked at the ducks and water next to the bike path, and even the part where I had to double back 1/2 way to find my keys that Athena chucked, wasn’t that bad.  It was so nice to go out and be out.  We didn’t get home until 7:00, and had gone out for decaf coffee and snacks.

I think maybe Morella is suffering from cabin fever too. Today it rained out the entire time …and you know, I am sick and Athena is off, so we didn’t leave the house again. I didn’t even anyone dressed and let them get as covered with whatever they got into.  Morella got to play with paints all day (her favorite color is purple!), and she took a massive nap…and we played alot while Athena took and early long nap. In fact, they took staggered naps, so I was able to spend quality time with each of them which probably made the day bearable (unlike this past weekend…wait  can I say that if it’s Thursday night?)

I am totally rambling now. It’s okay. I need to ramble.  How else am I going to get through this dark winter? What am I going to look back on to read and think “Ahh those were the days!”  I sure as heck don’t have time to write anything meaningful in my paper journals. Might as well do it here when I am more dedicated.    I think my point is, I really, truly am now understanding the meaning behind “the terrible twos.”   Toss in being stuck in the house for two weeks and sick and it’s a ticking time bomb!

Moving on. I have other things I want to note.

I got a package in the mail yesterday. It was from my Uncle Chuck (my mother’s brother…and hey only living aunt/uncle I have left).  It was a long 10 page letter and …. records of my mother’s side of the family going back four generations! It included scanned pictures of my grandmother (died when my Mom was 21), family members, birth certificates, marriage certificates, and real school pictures of my Mom and photos my Mom had sent her father/brother.  As Chuck said “I don’t want you to think I don’t care, I just know i am getting old and if something happens to me anything can happen to these.”  I completely understand.   I called my Mom to tell her of this great treasure that landed on my door step and she said “You are the only like that. You are sentimental.”

Now, I don’t think it’s being sentimental. I think it’s like finding a deeper understanding of who these people are, these people that I am related to or was related to.  On first glance through it’s amazing how much Morella looks like her great-grandmother, especially the eyes. I’ll have to borrow my friends scanner so I can share some of this awesome stuff.  I also noticed how much my older brother Shane looks like my Mom’s eldest brother Larry (deceased).  I just thought “That is where Shane got those looks from.” I always thought he looked different then the rest of us Red Eagle kids. Sure I have the lightest complexion and hair, but feature wise I take after the Red Eagles.

Mom is right though. I do have almost every letter ever sent to me since I was 16.  What can I say? I love documentary, especially my own life since I have easy access to it.   I think what keeps me going is the one day that I can sit down ad look through it all. Read every letter and remember it all. I look forward to doing that with the girls when they are older.

The other bit is Pluto. It’s not looking good for him. He has a swollen prostrate, and the primary guess from the Vet is that he has prostrate cancer.  He has no swollen lymph nodes, no blood in his urine, his blood samples looked great, and he didn’t flinch when she examined him like many dogs do because if there was an infection, it would hurt.  Our current plan of action is to give him antibiotics for 2 weeks, along with pain medication, go for frequent walks, start giving him wet dog food mixed with his kibble to get him to eat more and get a urine sample. After two weeks he goes back in to see where things stand and possibly get an ultrasound referral to confirm prostrate cancer. The outlook is not good for this and the best we can do is to just help make him more comfortable.  Tonight he has his first episode of incontinence in our house (on the couch). He had a little episode two weeks ago at a friends house who was watching him, but we had chalked it up to him being excited go outside with two other dogs.   That is when we all first started to suspect something was going on. It’s happening so fast.   I guess our main method of coping is to do our best to help Pluto right now and not think too far beyond the now.

On that note, I am going to take the cold medicine that I can take (sadly it is not nyquil) because of Neeners and go to bed. Or try too.  Last night I went to bed early at 11 and didn’t get to sleep until 1:00 because of all the shouting, snoring, sleeping walking and not being able to breath through my nose denial.