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I have been so consumed with thinking that I/we did something wrong. I was finally relieved of that burden last night, and felt better. I felt good enough to go out with my friends Sigrid and Matt for a couple of drinks and just talk. It was good to get out. It was good to talk about it all. I don’t know if I will talk about it again any time soon, but at least it was put out there. Then today, I went garage sailing with my friend Lowen, like we do on Thursdays (but haven’t for a couple of weeks) and I found that in when I had a moment to myself to look at knick knacks or up at the blue sky and yellow, orange and red leaves of fall that there was a heavy weight in the middle of my chest – right on my sternum. It felt like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me and that I had just gotten my breath back, barely. I guess i have sort of been feeling that the whole time but just attributed it to stress of other things. But maybe I need to acknowledge that what I am feeling is the physical effects of grief.

Grief. I just don’t know what to do it. Maybe I should put it in a box and deal with it later. No, seriously. I don’t know what to do with it other than acknoweldge it’s presence, take a deep breath and move on. Look in the next box for treasures, rifle through the table of pink clothes for something that Morella might like, glance through the books and keep on eye on the kids to make sure they don’t make it too close to the glass knick knack table.

While we were out searching for treasure, we found a charming little park in Maple Bluff (an expensive part of town). This little park had a beach, oodles of flowers, a great view of the city/lake, sand, a fire pit, benches, Adirondack chairs and a great play structure. What a difference between the parks in our neck of the woods and over there. It was wonderful to sit on one of those deep chairs and stare out across the lake while nursing Neeners and watching Morella throw rocks into the water. I could have stayed there all day — especially after I found a port a potty within walking distance. I am going to remember that park for a picnic. It was a jewel of Madison.

Later on at home, I made the girls lay down and take a nap at 3:30, I just couldn’t take their crabbiness, my mental exhaustion and achey chest anymore. Everyone, myself included, slept for an hour. I then got up to let Falkor out and settle Morella, who went back to sleep. Athena slept until 7 and Morella made it to 7:40. Oh it was so … rejuvenating and calming to have that prime time all to myself. So I could sit and just not have any demands on me. To read. To stare into space. To just … be. That two hours I had to myself where the best two hours I have had since this whole thing started. I hadn’t been alone except for sleeping (what little of it I got) and … well now. Tim caught the girls cold, so he went straight to bed when he got home at 10 — along with the girls. I sure as heck wasn’t going to miss my opportunity to post. I did enjoy my time with the girls between when got up and went to bed. They seem to have a different kind of energy at night then they do during the day. Or maybe I was just more balanced and really enjoyed hanging out with them. I could stare at them all day and never tire of it. They are so worth everything … I am so blessed that they are in my life.

During the evening I got a phone call from one of my first cousins. She had just gotten the news about Dad. I had called last week and left a message on her Dad’s (my Uncle’s) answering machine, but he didn’t get around to checking his messages until today. I know how that feels to miss the funeral of a close family member so I did my best to console her. It was also just … weird to have a weeks worth of time between us learning of the news. To her, it was still fresh and for me it felt more like the wound was starting to scab up.

Gah. I have spent the night trying to catch up on emails. I am tired. I should head to bed. Tomorrow is … what Friday? Yeah Friday. I don’t know what I am going to do with it other than email the coroner and work on finding a lawyer. Okay, those are big. I also have thank you notes to get started on. I also need to grocery shop as we are on our last two pieces of bread for an easy breakfast. Oh wait, I think we are having visitors Friday evening too. I guess I should vacuum and maybe clean that pig sty of a bathroom.

Maybe it is massive nicotine withdrawal, but Morella is irritating the heck out of me today –no naps, constant whining and refusal to play with Athena, them atangonising her when she is on her own….

A part of me wants to just tell you that it has been a hell of a weekend and then just go on to tell you that the girls are sick and were up all night taking turns in my bed and today are fighting over a box of ‘issues’ while staining everything they touch with boogers. I would tell you that I made an awesome pot of coffee this morning and that I am just going to stay home (since I have to with sick kids) and just sort of try to get back into the swing of things. I would then go on to tell you something about … well something and you wouldn’t even really think to ask why it was a hell of a weekend, and I would be happy with that.

On the morning of Wednesday, September 22nd my father got up at 4:00 in the morning, like he normally did to make a pot of coffee, throw some toys for the dog and get ready for the day. He had the trailer on his ATV loaded with garbage that he drove down the road a hundred feet to drop off in the neighbor’s garbage bin. He then went into the neighbors house and had a cup of coffee while visiting. The school bus came and picked up the neighbor kids and he took that his cue to leave. He and one of the neighbors were going to cut some firewood later that after noon. In between that short distance between houses, and on the top of a long slowly inclined hill he was hit from behind by a teenage girl driving 50-55 miles per hour (on a 40 mph road). He was thrown and died instantly upon contact.

He would have wanted a traditional ho chunk funeral — and it was pretty much in progress by the time I got the family together and packed to go up there. It a long arduous affair that takes a lot of people who know what they are doing, helping the family who doesn’t know what they are doing because they don’t live and breath the ho chunk way. I have often thought on the fault of that, but in the end it doesn’t matter. To quote my BIL and former co-worker, “It is what it is.”

It was a beautiful ceremony and he was surrounded by people who loved him. He would have liked that.

However, I am glad it is over. I never want to do that again. Three is enough for me. In fact, I am so … maybe I am not in my right mind, but I never want to do another indian thing in my life. I want to change my last name to match that of my husband and kids and never look back. No one would ever ask, no one would ever know. I don’t want to look through the papers I brought back with me. I don’t want to file for a will. I don’t want to think about lawsuit. I don’t want to answer my phone. I just sort of want to … I don’t know. Forget it all.

I bet these are all normal things to feel. Ironically, I wish I had more indian friends to talk to about it. Maybe they would say something to me that would help.

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Here I am. Home. The kids are sick. Tim took the day off to sleep and get over the Saturday all nighter –a luxury I could no do myself thanks to a rising sun (again with the traditional things, why do I fucking care anymore???) and mucousy kids.

At my Dad’s in Dells Dam

Moslee’s 2nd Birthday Party

Monday’s should be spent getting up and going full speed ahead, right? I used to do that. I would have story time on Monday mornings, but that was before I had two kids, both of which enjoy hanging out in their jammies most of the morning and playing independently or together. They do not do this every morning, but Monday’s are special. Maybe it’s because we have been so busy the last couple of weekends that they appreciate having time in their own home. I remarked to Tim last night that Athena is always thrilled to be home after a long day away. She putters around the house, laughing and playing. He said it’s because “she has a lot more freedom at home.” I guess I hadn’t thought of that. She does have a lot more freedom at home than other places. She can walk where she ever wants to without one of us stopping her, she can play with whatever she wants too, there are oodles more toys around.

Plus, both kids seem tired and I hold out hope that maybe, just maybe, Morella might take a nap. I’ll be honest here and say that it’s been hard on me adjusting to Morella being napless. She is having a hard time in the evenings adjusting too, but no matter what I try she won’t sleep and nearing bedtime everyone is cranky.

This post just isn’t coming together. The 1/2 hour morning show I had was wasted on vacuuming or other such nonsense. So just so I can get it down weekend recap

–Friday night we stayed in and played Halo: Reach
–Saturday we ran errands as a family where Tim and I took turns staying the car with one or both kids while the other ran and did the errand. We stopped a few garage sales, took a walk, played outside and inside. Tried to do laundry. That night I left them all and went to a dinner party with a few close friends. Morella had helped me bake an apple cake so I took that over. It was nice to get out and be away. This past week was full of one on one visits with friends and I loved it. Monday was Sigrid. Wednesday was Ann. Thursday was Lowen and Saturday was Hilary, Lowen, and Laima. Perfect! I feel very connected all of a sudden with my real life.

Sunday -Cheese Days in Monroe WI with the longest parade we ever have been too. It was overcast and rainy when we got there and by the time it left we were all chilled because it was cold and windy. We did have cheese though and got some great parade stuff. It will be awesome when Morella and Neeners are older and scavenging for candy like little beggers. After we got back we changed into warm jammies, cuddled up on the couch, popped some popcorn and started to watch the Princess and the Frog. When it started to get scary (voodoo man) Morella started to ask “Why? What’s happening?” etc. It’s good that she lost interest in the film before the end. Sheesh! After the kiddos were in bed, I spent an hour working on cleaning and organizing the office (I was actually able to vacuum the floor today!) and then played some more Halo: Reach with Tim. I went to bed and was only awakened once at 3:00 to feed Neeners and fall back asleep. I think the secret to my success was putting in ear plugs again.

This morning I actually feel normal, unlike last week which was spent in a fatigued fog. I just couldn’t stop feeling tired.

Okay, everyone is dressed and I feel like I need to go to the store to get something for lunch, but maybe I don’t. Maybe I can make some ramen or something and skate by…and make some kind of soup for dinner. There are things we need from the store, however lately I have been challenging myself on “making it” instead of running out whenever we mildly need something. Speaking of mild, I do need dishsoap pronto. Athena put two crayons in the dishwasher last week and … ugh. ugh ugh. I tried putting WD on it and vinegar, and using a magic eraser, but the only thing that seems to dissolve the mess (which entirely coats the inside of the dishwasher) is good old fashioned dish soap and scrubbing. I have only done the front door so far, and in the meantime have been washing dishes manually and trying to keep up.

Tim was late to work this morning so I don’t think he will be back until late. His fancy electric assisted bike keeps breaking spokes. We have to take it to the shop every other day it seems. The bike shop is ordering, yet a 3rd wheel from Trek (who assures us that this wheel is made from a different manufacture) and we’ll try that. All we need is one more time to make it the magic three before lemon laws come into play. Willy St. Bike shop seems willing to make the expensive purchase right, and yet are rather unwilling to offer up a cash refund. We’ll see what happens — but in the mean while this whole thing is rather annoying. Maybe if the new wheel doesn’t work out we’ll push to get a refund and use that money as a deposit on a compact, fuel efficient car and wait until spring before we just get Tim a good road bike.

ha ha — I just picked up Neeners to give her a hug and she patted my back.

ETA – I had to include a photo of Kelly’s bridal bouquet — I think it was one of the most beautiful ensembles I’ve ever seen.

The wedding was held at the Alpine Resort in Door County, WI.

I hate it when I get behind writing down my life. It’s when it gets so busy and so frantic that I don’t have the time I usually do to write things down. I thought that when Athena would get older that I would have oodles more time to carefully craft posts, but that just isn’t the case. To be honest, I think it just happens. I have seen many a good blog dwindle away to nothing as the children got older. To be fair, I have also seen many a good blog get less kid-centric. I guess I am just in limbo, waiting to see where things go. I don’t think I’ll ever give up blogging — I just like doing it too much, even when I am sure that my readership is just down to a few good friends. But you know, in that case I am writing for my friends since I can’t seem to get decent email out anymore to say nothing of my letter writing.

I think it’s just that summer is such a blur of activity. I long for that activity in the winter months and look forward to the endless stream of things to do and just enjoying being with my family outside and enjoying the moment. At the same time, I don’t want to forget all these precious moments. I have been trying to make mental pictures of everything, but there is only so much room in this noggin’. I wish my head was like my heart, which I know has a lot of capacity for love.

This past weekend we went to Door County to see Tim’s brother Ben get married to Kelly. He was the last of Tim’s family to get married and I was looking forward to spending some quality time with the family and having a mini vacation. I managed to lay on the grass by the shore, on white sand by the shore and later on our way home in a green grassed park in a small town I forget the name of. It sometimes even amazes me where I will day down given the chance. I like to just take in everything while laying down, and the kids love it when you get down to their level, so I do it a lot. The wedding was beautiful, my outfit was fantastic and I got several glowing compliments, Kelly was amazing, Ben dapper, Tim handsome and the kids adorable. Morella didn’t actually make it down the aisle, but she did keep the dance floor blazing the rest of the night. It was like she was on crack — she was nonstop, dancing, trying to breakdance, running around — all in a pair of owl jammies, her pink weebox, and pink jammie shirt. God help me that I never forget her rapture of the dance floor and music. Her face was absolutely priceless when they played her favorite song – Imma Be by the Black Eyed Peas (which also happens to be one of her cousin’s fave songs). It was heavenly to carry her back to the cottage in my arms, her face pointed to the night sky and telling me about all the stars.

The big downers were that it rained all day Saturday (the one really good day), our roomies didn’t pay their share of the bill, several peeing accidents from Morella (need to was her carseat cover) and I my right eye became really irritated and was super red most of Friday and part of Saturday. It’s my new contacts, you really can’t stretch them past three weeks without something horrible happening to my eye.

Anyway. We all survived and were happy to be home – especially Athena.

–Morella is continuing her trend of not taking afternoon naps anymore, and we are all paying the price of her crashing at 5 or 6 or just barely making it to 7.

– Athena still nurses a lot at night, though the last couple of days she seems to be eating more. Still only two teeth.

–The new entertainment center with the new flatscreen TV is in place. I need to adjust two doors on the cupboards, but that’s it. It looks awesome and has so much storage (much of it hidden). The girls seem to like the new TV — oh heck we all love it. I am thinking of splurging even more (why not considering how much money has been spent the last two months) on getting the new Halo game since we can read the writing on it now.

–Kind of depressed about my Mom. She called to tell me she is getting rid of all her stuff because she doesn’t have much time left and doesn’t want a mess. I know this is because she is depressed, and because Frank has been home nagging her constantly the past couple of weeks about it. It just makes me so sad that she wants to get rid of the only thing that has made her happy and forget her problems the last couple of years. If she had a house like mine all of her craft stuff would fit into ONE room. But since she lives in a small trailer with three other adults and her only room is the living room (which has two beds in it) — she just doesn’t have a lot of storage. It told her she couldn’t give away the craft stuff and books, that I want them. I hope that she changes her mind about this. I called today and told Frank off (he claimed innocence) and talked to Mom who could barely talk because her speech was so slurred. She has been battling swollen legs the week that hurt and she can’t sit up to do anything. Sigh. Now I am trying to think about how I could get up there to get the stuff if she really is going to go through with this. It’s just hard to do it with Athena who still nurses. I am sure Neeners could get through a day without me, but it would be one miserable day for both her and Tim. Why do I want the stuff? Because I do love crafting and also because I feel like it’s the only inheritance that my girls will get. Sure, it’s not money but it would be hours and hours of creative heaven. That’s a great inheritance if you ask me.

Anyway, so I am kind of bummed about that today. She said “I don’t have a lot of time left” — that bothers me. But what also bugs me, is that if she doesn’t have a lot of time left then why not fill it with doing something that you love instead of…I don’t know…giving up.

–I cleaned most of the living today. It looks great. There is still plenty of stuff to do, but at least you can see the couch and the floor and walk through without tripping on stuff. I need to bring a bunch of the toys downstairs so that I can rotate them out and have new, exciting stuff for when the weather turns crappy and we head downstairs. I did it after Athena went to bed and Morella got up. I let her watch an hour of TV while I cleaned to keep her mellow and sedate enough to go back to bed at 9:00. I was hoping that she would have slept through from 5 on through the night and catch up on her sleep from the big weekend, but then again I wouldn’t have been able to clean up as much of the living room.

It’s your new edition of Thursday night photos (note next week there will be nothing because we are out of town for a wedding)

Sunday was Ride the Drive (the 3rd so far in Madison).

East Wash is shut down for bikers only

Waiting for Lance Armstrong to show up

Morella and Neeners making themselves comfortable

Bad ass Ann acting all biker casual

Look at those hipster tots in the Kid’s area

Morella getting some kitty pigment

Neeners first shiner

My second failed attempt at 1940’s hair. I’m running out of time people!

If only I looked like this all time — no one can see the double chin growing at this angle.

My camera is old and beat up and likes to shift into different camera modes at a moment’s notice. I kind of liked the yellow of it.

There you go!

We had a nice day. Had breakfast with out friend Lowen, got a new bike helmet and looked at balance bikes for Morella (and eventually Neeners), picked up a few things from Target (winnie the pooh coloring books in the dollar bin). Then, when it was clear no one was taking a nap, I finally tackled sending a very large package to my pal Jess. I wore Athena in the sling, Morella in the stroller and carried the heavy box in an oversized Ikea bag — and almost tipped Morella on the ground. A very helpful old lady watched on and then commented “You almost knocked her over!” Thanks lady. Thanks. After that I picked up photos from Walgreens, and then went home where Neeners took a nap, but Morella didn’t. Sigh. Again with the no naps. Yesterday was her first after a three day strike. Later on Tim came home, I found some hamburgers in the freezer and made them — and gave them to the dog and made grilled cheese and a frozen pizza instead. Then Tim left for his game and I cleaned up Morella’s room with Morella and Athena.

After they went to bed, I enjoyed my mandatory computer time (Tim takes the Ipad with him) and caught on some emails. If I do this every week, I’ll be one step closer getting back to my old internetting self. That would be nice. I like getting real emails and whatnot once in awhile.

I had my own little adventure in baby sitting on Tuesday when Leta and Mina were here. It was a grey over cast day with the threat of rain looming over us. Heading to a park or trying out luck at flying a kite was out of the question, so we made to. Falkor needed a bath and Tim and I were tired of hearing Morella screech about how stinky he was, so I jokingly suggested to the girls that they give him a bath. Of course they jumped at the chance. Washing a stinky, short dog is the top on every little girls “last day of summer” to do list.

We filled the plastic pool in the back with water from the outside faucet bucket by bucket (too lazy to hook up the hose) and then added a few buckets of hot water from the kitchen to take the chill off. I then held him and told the girls to pour water over him, making sure to get him good and wet. We all took a handful of soap and scrubbed him really good, followed by rinsing him off. Just as we were about to finish I told the girls to back up as soon as I let go of him. Mina asked why, and I said “You’ll see.”

I let go of Falkor and called out “okay now! Back away!” and everyone did. Mina, Morella and I all stepped back to watch Falkor. He jumped out of the pool and ran instantly toward the backdoor, where Leta ran. She stood behind the closed door and watched as he shook himself off. Mina, Morella and I all watched as he stood there dripped wet while Leta started to open the door.

“No, no!” we all said. “Don’t open the door. Don’t let him in!”
“I won’t let him in,” she quavered, and opened it a crack. “Falkor … ” she hesitated.

Falkor took his chance and I watched in horror as one really wet dog slunk into the house. I ran after him and saw him crash into all sides of the kitchen. Water everywhere. I yelled at him to go back out side and he ran into the living room. I slide across the floor after him, straining unused thigh muscles and got him out of the living room. He got him through the kitchen but the stinker ran around to the back of Morella’s room and headed back into the living room and jumped up on the couch.

Oh man. Water, water everywhere. On he couch I was able to grab his collar and lead him outside where ran off to hide under a lawn chair. Then I turned around to face Leta. I was proud of myself for not yelling, but I did tell her we asked her to not open the door, and that she needed to clean up the mess. I gave her a towel and walked out to let her clean up a bit. I gave her a few minutes of solitary cleaning before we all went in and helped her.

Well, all I can say is, “At least he was clean.”