wazika.net

I put the girls to bed early tonight at 6:45. Neeners had a short nap today and Morella didn’t have any. We had my friend Hilary’s two girls over for a jam packed afternoon of making a pumpkin looking cake, ghost and worm cupcakes, arts project, pumpkin carving and seed roasting. My friend Lowen came over and helped with the chaos, and was generally good company. It feels old school to me to have her over visiting while relatively mundane things like this happen. The last time we did something boring was to peel apples and drink coffee. However, both were good times and l look forward to many more.

I should be cleaning and putting crap away. It’s going to be cold tomorrow and so the party is going to be mainly inside. Nutz. It’s okay, though really. It’s just that kids love being outside…well most of them do.

Look, here is Morella loving the wind storm yesterday …

And this is what Athena thought of it:

Hilarious!

Athena has been a foul mood the past couple of days. Today she developed a bad diaper rash from her pooping episodes. She poops every two or three days and when she does, it’s an all day affair. I have been using disposables the last two weeks because I ran out of flushable liners and Happy Bambino are out. I was going to order them online, but as you can see, I have yet to do that. I should just do it…or just suck it up and scrap poop off the fleece liners into the toilet. I did that for most of Morella’s diapering experience. It’s just that, they are so nice… I guess I might just give her some good naked time tomorrow with leg warmers. Since today was a pooping day, there should be no incidents tomorrow.

Aren’t you glad you are still reading? Ha ha.

Study of Ho Chunk is going … I am confident that Morella, Neeners and I all know the words that we have been learning. I have been listening to audio recordings from the website every day — I wish there was more, particularly children songs. We started out in a bit of a frenzy, but that was clearly the wrong approach because Morella resisted and would tell us often to “stop talking like that”, and I felt to a certain extent that it was a little too … intense. I guess I say that because the intensity was fueled directly from my father’s death. It wasn’t fun. That isn’t how to learn something. We backed off a bit and are taking things a little more easy. I have given myself more time to let it all soak in and move forward. Having the girls, especially Morella understand me now when I use ho chunk words is incredibly motivating. I want to replace more and more words in her every day use.

It was a good day, and a good weekend. I did have a terrible migraine on Saturday that made me nearly throw up — but I managed to overcome it. We went to the Greyhound Gala and donated a bunch of money with a slim chance to win some bag raffles. We didn’t win anything but we did walk away with a t-shirt and a bandana that Morella picked out for Falkor.

Sunday Tim took the girls on an errand. It was my first time in memory having the house to myself to do whatever I wanted. So what did I do? I cleaned. I cleaned like a madwoman and got so much done. I was very sad when the 45 minutes ended and Tim came home, but then he took the girls and the dog out for walk so I was able to really clean the bathroom. They arrived home just as I was about finished and as soon as they walked in the door they were in the bathroom “helping” me. Then last night I went to Laredo’s for Bookclub (we talked about Little Bee) which was pretty awesome and then home for an early bedtime.

Today I got the girls dressed after morning TV time and rode bike over to the Red Park for a playdate. I forgot to bring a towel to dry off equipment but some other Mom’s thought ahead and we were able to dry it all in no time. We had a good time at the park and made it back by 11:30 in time for Athena’s nap. She took a good long nap, and even Morella snuck one in while I looked at the internet and read a magazine. After they got up we spent some time decorating the house in preparation for our Halloween Party on Friday. I invited just Madison people, but it occurred to me now (late in the game) that maybe a few others might like to come. Mostly I am thinking of you Sarah — it’s on Friday from 5-8, so I know that is sort of hard to just pick up and go.

After we did some decorating and the girls started fighting, I ordered them all outside to play. They went out shoeless in this awesomely warm day for probably the last time this year. They ran around, played in the sandbox, and I worked very hard on starting a fire to burn through some more of our big brush pile. Tim came home earlier than I expected and we ordered pizza with the neighbors from Glass Nickle. Then I spent some time on the computer while they romped around with Daddy. Neeners was ready for bed at 7:00 and Morella at 8:00. Now here I am. Done with most everything I planned to do today, but could do more.

Tim is going to start working from home on Tuesday’s because he has early calls with India. This is great because it means we can start meeting with a ho-chunk language expert who was only available on Tuesdays. I gave him a call, two weeks later than he was expecting us — but I wanted to make sure that we would be able to devote the time he was/is able to give us. We are going to talk more tomorrow about working something out.

Well, I am going to work on making the Halloween Favors and watch Nanny McFee.

I spent a good portion of my free time today editing and sorting through photos to put up on Facebook (since it’s free, organized and you can see them by clicking on the following links).

Ben and Kelly’s Wedding in Door County

and

The end of Summer 2010

In other news, we spent the whole day at home. Morella has a cold, Athena is teething (the one next to the two front top teeth is cutting through), and Tim had the car so it’s not like I could really go anywhere anyway. Not that I wanted to, taking two crabby kids who were up at 5:30 and 6:00 isn’t on top of my list of fun things to do on a Monday. We did spent time outside in the front yard where I swept the sidewalk and driveway, and weeded the rest of the driveway. I also had the girls pick the rest of the tomatoes so that we could bring them inside and put them in a window. It’s not that I am thrilled about eating tomatoes, it’s that the girls love watching them turn red and then *they* eat them. A good thing considering that they ate their weight in sugar cookies and frosting today. It was my activity to help appease the little boogers. Morella helped me back them this morning while Athena napped and then they both helped to decorate them in the afternoon.

I also had them help me sort through a box of stuff from the big office organization. Today it was going through the stamp pads, glue, negatives and other various little things tucked away in the wooden boxes I have in the room. I got these wooden boxes from Ikea several years ago and got the idea to stain them with red ink a couple weeks ago. It might or might not be a good idea…especially if they ever get wet. Hm. BUT it looks good and I have just been writing on the outside of the drawers in chalk with what is inside. Going through boxes of junk like that is such a great activity for little kids.

I also spent a good portion of my day picking up crayons over and over, and putting puzzles back together after Morella got into her entire stash of them and dumped them all on the floor, as well as more cleaning and organizing Morella’s room. It’s like I have to go through and do a complete transfer of toys from the living room back to her room once a month.

Dinner was reheated beef stew that Lowen and Sigrid had made me a couple of weeks ago. It’s seriously the best beef stew I have ever had and I ate way too much of it. Thank goodness for friends and their food making abilities.

I had a pretty good day for the most part until I ran into the last known picture of Dad. Then it felt like I was punched again in the stomach for awhile. Good thing I have my back owie to keep me from dwelling on it. This past weekend I had the good fortune of falling back on a broken chair (the arm was broken) and breaking the back off with my back. I have a big scrape and bruise to mark the area and it can be a little tender sitting on it or sitting back today.

Well, I had started this post with not knowing what I was going to talk about, and look I found stuff.

Other quick things, I started a new blog, in which we focus on our attempt as a family to learn to speak Ho-Chunk (Hocak). I’ll give you the link later when I start to fill it out. My main goal today was just to start it and invite Tim to it.

I found a tape that Tim, Dad and I had made several years ago. I thought I had lost it and have been looking for it on and off for the past couple of years. I had recorded it on a hand held tape recorder but messed up the setting at the time so that you can only play it on the recorder because it sounds super fast other wise. I just need to figure out how to digitize it. It was nice to be able to hear Dad’s voice, and laugh. It was just as I remember it. I wonder, if when I hear it again in many years if it will sound just the same and bring it all back to me. Anyway, the tape was in that box of stuff that the girls and I went through this afternoon.

Well, I should think about bed. I have been trying to go to bed at 9:30 now. I would like to hit 9:00 but that is just too early for me. Sometimes the girls don’t even go to bed until 8:00. I guess I just want to see what happens if I do that every day for a two to three weeks. How will I feel? Will I get more done throughout the day? Will I feel more energized and competent? Will it battle the SADD that seems to affect me every year? I don’t know. Sometimes I envision myself waking up at 5:00 and having some quiet time in the morning with a hot cup of coffee…but then again it’s getting cold and I hate getting out of my nice warm bed. I even busted out the down comforter this past weekend!

Ugh, so sometimes, even though I love the earth passionately and I care about the environment deeply — I just want to use disposable diapers. It’s for a couple of reasons:

1. It’s faster because there is no adjusting once it is one and Athena is the rolling, squirming, screaming at the top of her lungs kind of gal when it comes to diaper changes … so it’s hard to begin with.

2. Because she is like that, I would prefer to delay diaper changes until absolutely necessary. Disposable diapers and their chemicals means I can go longer between diaper changes, whereas with cloth I have to do battle with Neeners every two hours.

3. Poopy diapers are that much easier. I can just throw them away instead of making a special trip to the bathroom, and then back to the diaper bucket.

That’s it, it’s really number one and two that are getting to me. But I feel horrible every time I use a disposable. Like I am a total loser, a lazy Mom who can’t even give her kid the best in organic, crunchy, maternal care. Hey now, that doesn’t mean I think that every Mom who uses disposabales is lazy or not caring. That isn’t what I mean at all, what I do mean is that is how I feel about myself. Sort of like, I think I look totally fat in that picture, but you think I look great.

Anyway. Yesterday I decided to try and pay myself. Why not? Earn money for pushing myself to spend that extra five minutes on the cloth. So, from now on, I earn .25 cents for every cloth diaper used. It is going to be money that I can do whatever I want with — spend it on pastries, or expensive coffee. Maybe spend it on taking a friend out for drinks. So far I have earned a buck!

Tim worked from home yesterday. Sometimes I wish he could work from home every day, or 1/2 time. As it is, he is going to be away a lot for the next couple of weeks and leaving for a week at the beginning of November for his annual PASS conference in Seattle. So I will have a week to myself with the girls. What should I do? For a second there I entertained thoughts of taking my own trip, but then I remembered those blasted pets. Ugh, pets. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with them at all. Well, I suppose one benefit I can think of is that my kids don’t go nuts whenever we go over to someone else’s house and they have pets. Morella or Neeners is not screaming in panic, or trying to crawl up my legs to get away from what furry, cute adorable pet folks have. That’s a big bonus actually.

Uh oh, Toot and Puddle is almost over. Last night I went to bed at 9:45 and was asleep by 10:00. I did Hilary’s suggestion (left in a previous comment) about Mindfullness. I laid down and said “I acknowledge talking to laywer A. on Thursday. I acknowledge talking to lawyer B on Thursday. I acknowledge sending out an email hosting a Halloween party. I acknowledge that hosting a Halloween party probably seems a bit much, but I need that motivation and something fun to focus on. I acknowledge that I hate that Innsmouth pees in the bathroom and I can’t have a rug in there. I acknowledge that Tim needs to take some expectorant medicine to stop that cough. I acknowledge that I need to call Shane. I acknowledge that I lost my phone and need to find it. Etc.

It was interesting, somehow even just saying it in my head made it so that I quit thinking about these things long enough to move onto the next one. Eventually I ran out of them and fell asleep. I don’t even remember getting Neeners in the middle of the night, but she was there on me when Morella came into our room this morning demanding that she sleep with us or that Tim sleep with her. We need to get a handle on this. Why do toddlers go through these ridiculous sleep demands and patterns every couple of months?

Ohh Toot and Puddle are over. I have five more minutes in which to wash my face, put my contacts in and … I don’t know. I guess get started on this day. Wednesday October 13th. Wow, really? The middle of the month already? Sigh.

It was a good weekend. On Saturday I got to sleep in a little. I got up after I nursed Neeners down for an early nap and sent Tim into the room to sleep in with her. I got Morella and myself dressed and we went to pick up our CSA vegetables and hit a few garage sales on our way home. Once we were back, Athena and Tim got dressed and we headed out to return a soccer jersey that Tim got from Ben at the wedding and exchange it for a smaller one. While he was doing that I found a great store called U-Bake that sells all kinds of cookie and cake decorating things … I found those little silver edible balls that no one thinks anyone makes anymore! I have been looking for those things for years, I tell you, years. I can’t wait for Christmas cookie season to be upon us. Okay, I take that back. I can wait. Christmas will be here before you know it, look October is already almost half way through.

After that we got an ice cream so that Morella could use the potty and a coffee from Steep and Brew and then we headed out to Schuster’s Farm, where we have gone to the for the last three years. Morella and Athena had a blast. We didn’t get to pet kittens and ride the slides because it was too hot, but we did get a very long wagon ride. Another bad was that we were swarmed by bees for the last part of the trip wherever we went because the girls spilled some orange soda on themselves. They were awful! In the end we got three little pumpkins and a lot of photos.

Today, our friend Christan and Cecci came over and we headed up to St. Dennis for their Pancake Plus breakfast. Plus, included coffee, juice, scrambled eggs and sausage links. We ate our fill and then came back and made some real coffee before retiring to the backyard to sit for a couple of hours and chat while the kids played. Eventually the left and I was going to make some kind of soup, but got put off because … well, I didn’t feel like it. The house was a disaster and Tim’s parents were due around 2 for a spur of the moment visit. Tim cleaned up a bit and eventually I even managed to move some things around in time for them to come. They brought their two identical dogs/puppies which of course, thrilled Morella and Athena. They stayed for a couple of hours before heading out. About a 1/2 hour before they left Morella went to her room, shut the doors and took a nap. Neeners, meanwhile kept up her day long crabby streak. I went and laid down with her where she took a little cat nap while attached to the breast.

I thought that kids were supposed to cut down on the nursing around now…I mean she is 14 months old (and yes I do plan on taking more photos…even though I missed month 13) but she seems to have ramped it up a couple of notches the last couple of days. She must be teething, right? Ha ha ha ha. Oh teething. Or maybe she is growing. Whatever. Morella got up from her nap on the wrong side of the bed and continued her bad mood until we both forced the overtired kids to bed at 8:30. Thankfully they went down without a fight.

The weather is supposed to continue being awesome through the week. Oh I forgot to mention that I took an impromptu trip to the zoo on Friday. I just headed out with no real purpose and ended up there. I had no stroller so it was just me and girls, but we did okay and had a great time.

I realize that I have been spending a lot of time just hanging outside or with the girls. Concentrating on just spending time with them. When I am not, I find time to just spend time in the company of friends. All the shoulds and mustdo’s are put on hold unless absolutely necessary. I don’t know. I sort of feel like just immersing myself in this fantastic weather and trying to soak as much of it up as possible with people that I love and care about.

Hm. I just looked at a few internet sites regarding grief, and I think I can relate to:

Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness.

Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.

Physical – I think the only ones here might be decreased appetite and weight loss (which is something I’m not that broken up over…though I feel bad that I haven’t been creating super nutritious meals for my family)

There are four tips that can help: turn to friends and family, support group, faith or counselor. I have most definitely done the first.

Turn to friends and family members – Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Draw loved ones close, rather than avoiding them, and accept the assistance that’s offered. Oftentimes, people want to help but don’t know how, so tell them what you need – whether it’s a shoulder to cry on or help with funeral arrangements.

And it is true. Everyone keeps telling me “Let me know what I can do to help”. I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t. I have found the most valuable help has been the help that I haven’t asked for, or for when I just show up on their doorstep and we let the kids play while just … visiting. Being.

How to support a grieving person

If someone you care about has suffered a loss, you can help them heal by asking about their feelings, spending time just being with them, and listening when they want to talk.

Hm. I should go to bed. Another thing they say is to take care of yourself. I have been wanting to write, or craft, and exercise…they are there…I should start them more.

Today was a pretty good day I think. Good in that I got a lot done — which may or may not be that important, but it was enough to vent some of the pressure of urgency on a 1000 items that I feel like I have do. I got up. Took a shower while the kids watched their morning TV (Jack’s Big Music Show and Toot and Puddle) and then got on the horn with a new friend to talk about the ho-chunk language. We talked for about 25 minutes and the I got the kids ready and took them over to my friend Karen’s house. Karen is one of the Mom’s I was lucky enough to get to know over the course of the last two years from Morella’s playgroup. She had called on Monday and asked if there was anything she could do. For once, I actually had something to mention.

She watched Athena and Morella for two hours while I dropped off some books at the library, stocked up at Walgreens and texted my younger brother Andrew, and then came home to make some phone calls. I got two major things accomplished. One, I got a phone and internet hooked up for my brother Shane, who will now be living in Dad’s house. It shall hence forth be referred to as Dega’s, to the kids. A big motivation to have him be reachable by phone is that he can check in with Mom since he moved out. I know he is worried about her and who will look after her. We all worry about that right now. I hope that Josh and Frank step up their game now that he is gone. When I called to tell him his new phone number and when it would be hooked up (Monday) he was the happiest I have heard him in a long time. That was a pretty nice fuzzy. It’s hard to make Shane sound happy.

The second big phone call was to the bank regarding Dad’s car account. I learned that when he bought the car, he was still married and that Barb is a cosigner. I said that they divorced, and the Bank Lady said “It doesn’t matter. She is responsible now for the car and the payments.” I guess in the world of divorce they split those things up and take care of them? I don’t now. It makes sense that my Dad and Barb would have just agreed that he take on the payments. But you know, it was a immense relief to hear that. For one, I officially don’t have to worry about it anymore, other than how I can help Barb. Two, Doug now has a really good reason to not be in it. He has been taking Dad’s death pretty hard and hitting the bottle. We are all worried about what would happen to him, so in a way this is a nice legal, non partisan way to say “Hey, quite driving that car!”

I picked up the kids and was happy to hear they were angels. Morella told Karen all about how she had “a long day” ahead of her playing at her house in the morning and then making cookies with me in the afternoon while Neeners took a nap. Morella also told me she had a long day at the end of the day. I blame Tim for that phrase. Anyway, we didn’t actually get around to making cookies because it was beautiful out. So I took the old red comforter I had gotten from my Japanese friend back in college (she bought it for the year she was here but it was too bulky to take back with her) and a pillow and found a patch of sun to lay down on. The girls played in the backyard and I looked up at the sky and watched the leaves falling. Leaves that were alive when Dad was alive and now are passing on. Eventually the got bored so I offered to take them for a wagon ride. We just left, me wearing house slippers and the girls with no shoes and went for a walk with some frosted animal cookies.

Eventually we ended up at another friends house who have two boys about the same age as Morella and Athena. They played in their back yard and I sat on their swing and chatted. It was nice. Eventually I did end up saying something about how things were going. I tried to explain why I was there in only house slippers — being that we were enjoying the day “Because days like this do not last.” I wanted to add on “and because Dad being gone will always be there.” But I didn’t.

Alex, the Dad, gave me a suggestion as how to make sweet potatoes, because I was at a loss for the vegetable (we were having pulled pork as the main). He said to have mashed sweet potatoes with cheese. Huh? He said the kids love it. I didn’t believe it. Well, guess what? Kids DO love it. I used cheddar cheese and shredded it, stirred it in until it melted with a healthy dose of butter and …voila! Morella actually asked for seconds (though she didn’t eat it).

Later on, I walked the dog. Did ho-chunk practice with Tim. Read a little. Wrote my Mom the second letter in my Letter a Day project to help keep her motivated to live life — even if it is to just check the mail. Unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and even made a pot of tea. It was only sleepytime — I really wished it was extra sleepy time. Even though I am tired, I like that extra little fuzzy feeling that it gives you. Speaking of which, I need to go to bed. Another busy day of propping that upper lip up.

Good things so far about today.

1. I got to sleep in. Like really sleep in, after several false attempts where the kids didn’t seem to get that Mom wanted to sleep.
2. I got to take a long, hot shower with the door closed … quietly. (Tim took the kids outside to play for awhile)
3. I am wearing a pair of pants that hasn’t seen the light of day in…well actually I don’t know. They are garage sale pants that i got at the beginning of the summer…or maybe even last year in an optimistic bout. BUT …. they are a size 35!
4. Good coffee.

Gotta go and figure out what to grocery shop for…I haven’t done a real trip in over six weeks or so, maybe even two months. I had just been going through the pantry and piece mealing the rest.