I’m really tired. I’ve been cranky all day and I can’t seem to shake it. Maybe it’s because I had baby duty completely for the last two days without a break. There were a few naps she took today. She just wasn’t feeling that great the reflux was really taking it’s toll, and she even threw up the two and half ounces she ate at 8 and then it took a long time for her to eat three more before protesting bed. She is now sleeping in the cosleeper, I propped up one end of it and put her in the reclining sassy sleeper. It’s not as reclined as the bouncinette was, but it’ll have to do. I threw together a quick mobile buy just tying some Shapes on Board figures to ribbons and hung then from a hanger.

She isn’t sleeping yet, though she is clearly exhausted — as I am. Plus when she naps I usually have to take that opportunity to pump. There are more times than I can count that as soon as I am done pumping, she is awake. Pumping is not a break for me. I hate that Tim and the baby seem to think it is. Giving me time to pump does relieve a little stress but only because I worry about when I will get another chance. I can look at the internet while I pump, but I can’t often interact with it.

It’s also snowing again and again and again. Madison broke a snow fall record today with 79 inches total so far, and we have another big snow fall coming on Thursday. I am starting to feel a little trapped in this house. Every day is like the other.

I called yesterday to see about Morella’s next barium study and the woman seemed to think that I made it up that she said we could do it earlier and went on to say that three months inbetween studies was a short amount of time because recovering from reflux takes awhile. So, in the end I did make an appointment for her set for April 2nd, exactly three months later. I pray every chance I get that she will pass this next test. When I told Tim about it later he said that he didn’t think she was ready for it either. Why why the hell didn’t anyone tell me? Or maybe every has told me and I just didn’t want to listen. Which of course makes me feel like crap.

Of course that really means no breastfeeding and it’s just an eternity of pumping ahead of me. I know I can drop pumps when she is older and is drinking less milk. But when will that be? I am just not feeling very supported on this whole pumping regime right now. Why did I delude myself into thinking that there was chance we could breastfeed again when clearly it was nothing but a pipe dream? Gah, I feel like the kid in the class with a big booger hanging out of her nose and no one will tell me it’s there.

Every time Morella throws up, which is rare, I blame myself. Did I eat something wrong? Did I not hold her up enough? Did I offer the bottle too much? I know that logically, babies do this but I can’t help but to think I might have caused it. I know, pretty narcissistic of me, isn’t it?

Speaking of which, I am done pumping now — I had a definite decrease in today’s output probably as a result of stress or not drinking enough water. I hope that a good nights sleep resets this sour mood I have devolved into today. I don’t like feeling this cranky, it’s so irrational. But, I have a feeling the baby is going to be waking early to eat since she didn’t eat that much this evening. I hope she feels better tomorrow. I hope this reflux goes away soon. We are almost at the 3 month mark…I hope she isn’t one of those kids that is plagued by this until she is one.

I am having one of those nights where I want to be cheered up but I can’t even think of how that would happen.

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