This past Sunday it was finally above freezing and sunny so we decided to go for our first walk. Tim geared up Morella in the moby, I had the dog and we set out. She really didn’t like going into the wind and sort of fussed, but on the way backs she feel asleep — thus missing most of her walk. That’s okay. Being able to go out though for a walk was just a tantalizing taste of how nice it will be in the spring. I am entertaining fantasies of going for twice daily walks — once in the mid afternoon and another when Tim comes home. What an nice way it will be to break up the day!

The past two days she has gotten up at 11:30 which has sort of messed up my schedule. I was getting really used to the 12 wake up times…sigh. So I wasn’t able to get dressed until after she went down for her nap at 1.40. Meaning I have eight minutes left of this nap. I got a letter from my Mom and she mentioned seeing Morella on my brothers TV again and it so happened that I asked Tim last night how to work the xbox live by myself. It’s really easy. So after the letter I called her and we set it up for talking online. She was good for most of it until the end when she ate and was overall fussy and needed her nap. Then I washed pumping stuff for the next nap that she’ll take and bottle stuff, brought up the laundry and got dressed, laid for five minutes and restored my back and caught my breath — and now here I am doing a quick post.

Mom said that all of her kids (five of us) had colic for the first four months. Great, so she didn’t get this reflux from Tim — she probably got it from me. Sometimes I wished that Mom could remember more about when we were kids instead of that “it was just so long ago and such a blur”. In one aspect that is sort of sad that I might think the same thing one day. On the other hand it just spurs me to write about her infancy more. Since I haven’t touched her journal in at least a month, I took an idea from Be Prepared — and started writing things about her day on her calender in the bedroom. I have been only using it to write down how much she ate during the day and how many times she pooped — but the last two weeks I started also writing things we did or developments she is having. So, I will have a record of when things happened instead of thinking I will remember and then having it blur into “it seems like it was last week….” or “all the time…”

Voyager is starting to get close to when I started watching it. I think maybe I have another two weeks before they repeat and then I am going to have to find something else to look forward to during the day. That is kind of a depressing thought. The folks on this stupid tv show have become my friends! I love being able to watch 10 episodes a week and seeing character development so quickly.

Yesterday Morella had 29 ounces! She was hungry!! I made sure to offer her the bottle every two hours instead of three, regardless of whether or not she is showing or telling me that she is hungry because when I was doing it at 3 hours she was getting so mad right away that she wouldn’t eat. That said, last night was better — she didn’t have a full out screaming fit (well maybe for a few minutes) but not like before. What was different other than the bottle? I had her all night. :( I understand that being a SAHM Mom means I take care of her all the time but I guess it really is all the time. I know, let Tim take her — but he’s been in such a funk lately and whenever he takes her she seems to cry and he shuts down even more and then I am completely miserable being around him because he won’t talk and seems angry. Since he is the person I talk to most and interact with having a solid brick wall as company isn’t exactly appealing. He mentioned last night that he has cabin fever — maybe as an explanation for why he has been so moody.

Maybe. I have cabin fever too and there is nothing I can seemingly do about it. I was going to stay up this morning after she went to bed, but I was too tired. When she does take her naps I only have what? 20 minutes? Otherwise I have to wash bottles, usually pump (which eats up the whole time) or make dinner. I wish I could get the house cleaned up.

Oh she is awake now.

I guess when it comes down to it, I am starting to feel like maybe I am not trying hard enough. That I should be trying more — sacrificing something else be it sleep or Voyager … well those are the only two things I have. Maybe I need to just suck it up and get better about carrying Morella around more and trying to get more done (though honestly I do that as much I can during the day) or that she needs to be carried less…though yet again, I put her down as much as I can. I put her to sleep when she is drowsy not when she is fully asleep so that she can finish the job herself. With the house the state it is in, the husband being grumpy, the baby having a fussy evening, even little chores not getting done — I think I might be sucking at this more than I thought. Shouldn’t I have things under better control at this point?

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