I am having one of those days where it feels like everything is getting ahead of me. It’s anxiety. I know it. You know my mother is a very anxious person. She spends most of her time worrying about things that don’t need to be worried about. It’s because of this that I have spent a good portion of my life in pursuit of moderation. In particular, I strive to not be like her in that regard.

If I were to get right down to it, the real root of my problems is Morella’s eating patterns. I am now worrying whether no four feedings a day is enough for her. She seems to be in transition and since that is the case, I shouldn’t put much so stock in anything that happens from day to day. Yet, I do. I was doing really good just going with the flow, and in some respects I still am. If you go by that whole two ounces per pound thing and since we are pretty sure she hasn’t hit 12 pound then a minimum of 24 ounces a day should be sufficient. She is hitting that benchmark at least once a week but usually ranges between 24 and 27. I noticed the last few days that she has dropped her bedtime bottle and therefore is eating her last bottle at 6 or 7. What has changed? She is going to bed earlier. Now she is in bed and usually asleep by 8:30 PM.

It’s good that she is going to bed earlier and still sleeping through the night. Oh sure there are moments like last night where she fussed but that was because I didn’t do a successful roll over in which I turn her from her tummy to her back. Her arm was all caught up in her sack and I tried to get it loose and woke her up. She is starting to get up earlier — at 6.00 or 6:30, but that isn’t too bad.

Really it’s rather nice to have that free time in the evening again. I am also experimenting with moving my last pump time up to 10 or 10:30. I mean, normal breastfeeding mothers do that right? The body adjusts…I should just remind myself that my pump is just a fake baby.

Like last night, I watched Carnivale and actually think I might like it. Well, it’s an intriguing story anyway and I am glad that I can finally send those netflix movies back. We have had them for about two weeks! Just think of the other movies that I can watch at night now. I have also been working on letters, and crocheting…and getting to bed a little earlier. I would like to one day eliminate the morning nap I have to take, but I don’t think that is going to happen until I quit pumping.

Anyway. Her reflux is acting up a bit this week, she is showings signs of teething both of which are good reasons as to why she would change her eating pattern and maybe not eat as much (today she isn’t eating that awesome). But really I am focusing on this because her barium swallow study is next week and I am worried and anxious about that.

I just need to take a few minutes and let it go. We have done our best. There is no point in worrying about what might or might not happen until we need to. Morella is not broken. She is healthy and active and getting as much as she wants to eat.

Breathe. Just live in the now.

Speaking of which, since I already got the ball rolling on that anxiety mountain it’s picked up a few hitchhikers…that being the house. I feel like I have let it slide so much that there is so much to do now and I don’t know where to begin. I need to make a list. And start tackling it. One thing a day at least. I guess today I did finish paying the end of the month bills – the mortgage, insurance and credit card. Two of the biggest chunks of the monthly budget, I like to save it for last because then it’s only a few days until Tim’s check is deposited.

Okay well Morella is getting sick of the play mat. I should pick her up, put some music on and maybe start working on that list of things that I would like to do. I know, that the time I am spending MAKING this list could be used doing some of the things…but I need that list. There is something very cathartic about crossing off things and proving to myself that I did do something. Even if it was very small.

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