Rough Mommy Day

I’m feeling like a bad Mom today. I know the reason why and it’s really kind of stupid. Okay so she woke up, spit out her medicine twice, ate a bottle and had a 45-50 min nap after her morning bottle. In other words it was short. So I decided to take advantage of it and go over to visit Hilary with a brief stop at Woodman’s to buy size three diapers!, donuts, lactose free milk and grill lighter fluid. We went over and she has a pretty good morning. She drank her second bottle down with no problems, spent lots of time standing, crawling and jabbering. At 12 she showed signs of tired so we went home. She took a nap from 12:30 to 1:30. A one hour nap.

Okay here is where the doubts creep in. I am trying to cycle through some of my older frozen milk because in a month it will expire. I decided yesterday to give her one bottle a day of frozen stuff so that I can really decide to drop a pump when it’s her first birthday and not worry about a supply hit OR I can decide to quit altogether and still have milk to last her another couple of months.

Last night’s frozen milk bottle she only ate 2 ounces. But her usual amount for the last bottle is between 2-4 ounces. So at this bottle she only drank 3.5 ounces before refusing it. Before I made that bottle, I had thawed on bag of milk and it separated funny. There was this layer of dark yellow, almost orange …. like oil layer over the milk. I shook it and it reappeared after only a minute. Well it smelled fine, it tasted fine (I compared it with a bottle in fridge), but it creeped me out so much I dumped it and thawed another one. That one she drank 3.5 ounces from.

So. Was she hungry but doesn’t like frozen thawed milk? Was it bad and I just didn’t know it? (Everyone says that you can tell milk is bad a mile away). Is it because she didn’t get all her reflux medicine this morning? ( I was late on giving her prevacid too), or is it something else entirely?

I gave her nibblets of Cheerios and puffs, and she had a little bit of banana muffin before playing and eventually taking a long bath with me (our version of an indoor swimming pool for babies). Then she melted down after that. I gave her randitine because she essentially went all day without it in case that was it, I tried to feed a lame jar puree (trying to use it up and it was ready instantly…) she didn’t want it, and in fact smeared it all over herself, the table and her outfit. I changed her and then she was … sigh.

I eventually did get her to eat that bottle after she refused it several times because of crying fits. She powered through it, was quiet for 3 minutes and then started melting down again. I put her to bed and she cried for 5 – 7 minutes before falling asleep.

It’s when she is like this that I feel like a bad Mom. Is it selfish to give her a bottle of frozen milk? Is it selfish to even think about quitting this pumping nonsense at a year?

It’s probably she is just over tired (true) and is having an off day or maybe those stupid teeth are starting (though she is showing no signs of teething). But in the meanwhile I wonder if I am making mistake after mistake with her and that is the reason for her grumpy days.

Which you know, I know is bound to happen and I shouldn’t take it personally but, I still feel like the fault is mine somehow.

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