My supply had dropped to five ounces. Therefore, I decided tonight…er as today, I am not going pump. Morella is drinking whole milk just fine — and I do still have frozen stuff I am inclined — but honestly I don’t feel like it right now. It would just make me paranoid that I thawed it wrong or I would agonize of whatever I ate then, or drank or … blah blah blah. Of course, it is still there if I change my mind…that is until it expires. But most of it is going to expire soon.

I feel a little … sad about it. I mean. It’s done. A year has come and gone. The constant stress and worry about when I am going to find time, how much I pumped, what I was eating (was it making her reflux worse?) isn’t something I am going to miss. I am going to miss that it was the last link I had to being pregnant with Morella. Maybe it’s something I’ll appreciate as the week goes on and the sink is freed up from bottles, and the pump is out of the living room.

Anyway.

I guess it sort of helped that Morella herself decided to stop bottles. I really missed that because it was so sudden….it was one of the only times we ever got to be close and cuddle. However, the last two weeks she has super anxiety about everything and so I have gotten my fill of cuddles…and I love them! I just look forward to when she is over this little developmental hump so that I can leave the room without her howling to the stars.

What did I do with my extra 1/2 hour tonight? I napped with my contacts in and now my eyes are all gummy. My hand desperately needs lotion — it’s so dry it’s red! Where is this dry skin coming from?! Tim went to bed. I should go to bed. I was going to start Xmas cookies tonight, but instead …

Maybe tomorrow I enjoy freedom from the pump and bottles a little more. Maybe throw myself a little party and pat on the back for making it one whole year breastfeeding my daughter the hard way.

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