My emotions feel like they are in a million different places. I don’t even know where to start writing. I feel like if I have the time to write I should probably be sleeping, but who knows how long or if that would happen? Alot of the time I settle down for a nap and Athena decides “Nope, I want to fuss and eat.”
Noontimes are terrible. Today it was three crying beings – Athena, Morella and Pluto. The consequences of Tim going back to work carry heavy weight. Even he is tired and exhausted and coming home to an energetic Morella pushes the limits.
Tonight she didn’t go to sleep per usual. So he danced with her to Jane’s Addiction and Dairy of Dreams. That music brings me back to when she was an infant and it was the only thing that soothed her. It seems a little dark to me. It doesn’t to Tim though. He wonders what Athena’s song is going to be.
I feel like I want Athena to hurry up and get a little older. In part because then she will have a more predictable schedule which means I will have a better idea of what time is mine, and what I can do with it. On the other hand, I don’t want to wish away her newborn days. But yet again I am reminded of “The first three months are hell.” I thought that was true for Morella and part of me thinks it’s true for Athena even though she is so far an easy baby than Morella ever was. I just feel so torn about that. Grow up but make sure I memorize every little thing before you do. You can’t do both right?
Ann came over and took Morella to the park for two hours with her and Noah. Morella loved it and ran and ran and burned off all that toddler energy that I can’t do with her having a newborn at the breast. Then again I couldn’t do it while being really pregnant — but at least I forced myself out and to the park and for walks at least twice a day. I feel a little bit tied to the house because of the unpredictability of Athena. When will that ease? Will it be three months?
Then the swine flu had entered my thoughts and I worry about what will happen this fall. Will I decide to not leave the house and the back yard? An entire winter here … no that would be impossible. Maybe just until we have all had our shots and the proper immunization time has passed. Maybe.
It was so nice to have Ann take Morella — she is such a good friend. I hope that I can one day return all the wonderful favors she has bestowed upon us. As well as the kindness that others have shown us. I know that the best thing I can do right now is accept the offers of help and be grateful they are there. Sometimes the hardest thing is accepting help though, you know? As Americans we are brought up to believe that we should be able to do it ourselves. Okay..well that is one ideology. I am not sure if everyone thinks that — in particular I am reminded of all the folks who say “The government/tribe ect never did anything for me.” But I digress.
My back hurts from bad positioning in the couch. I should try to transfer Athena to the cosleeper and start the bedtime process that probably means I won’t get to sleep until 12 — like the last two nights.
The one thing that is free to roam is my mind. I don’t think I have ever been so full of ideas on who I want to write, what I want to write, how to write it, what I want to read, who I want to talk to etc. Of course, when I start these, I never actually finish them. I have so many unfinished letters littering my house right now. I should just start a note book and section off parts for letters that one day may or may not be sent. At least they would be in one spot. Then again, I haven’t even made an entry into Athena’s journal, and my own journal lies neglected on the dresser. The only journal seeing some love is the computer and that is because I can manage to find a few minutes to type, inbetween naps or bathroom breaks or putting out fires.
Lastly, my coping thought the past two weeks is “How is Dexter going to adjust to fatherhood?” and just imagining it. You would be surprised at soothing that thought can be. I can’t wait for the new season to start.