My Mom had Cirrhosis of the liver caused from diabetes and obesity, and probably a dose of too many freaking pills. She told me her skin was getting orange and her eyes yellower than ever. I told her to call her Doctor and tell him about it and he called back and essentially said “What do you want me to do about it? I can’t do anything for you.”

While that maybe true to some degree — what a shitty doctor. You know a couple years ago the county wanted to investigate him for bad doctoring and my Mom defended him. All because he is quick to give drugs…now that isn’t such a great thing is it? Anyway. I did some research tonight on cirrhosis and my finding are extremely depressing. I think she has a pretty advanced case of it — and well, let’s be blunt. I don’t know if she make through a year.

This is so…I need to process things. I want to keep every moment. I want to save everything she has ever done. I want her to write more of her life. To make more things. To take it easy and try to do her best to take care of herself in very difficult circumstances. I want to visit her more and help her more…but I can’t. This weekend was a prime example. I wish my two brothers who were living at home weren’t in such a state of stoned apathy that they could do something/more. It’s just so not fair that my daughters won’t get to know this grandma. All they will ever know is Tim’s Mom. Who is nice, loving and a great grandma — but not like my Mom.

When I had mentioned my Mom being in the hospital at my six week check up the doctor said something that really helped. “You are your Mom’s legacy. The best of her — go on living and taking care of your family and yourself and you are honoring her.” I am just not ready for that yet. I know, no one is ever ready to lose their parents — but …. but ….

I am going to bed now. I am going to take my sweet, little baby and nurse her and then cuddle her to sleep. Heck with working on getting her to sleep in the cosleeper tonight.

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