Thin. I feel spread too thin this week. My back, shoulders and neck ache. I feel dazed and my face feels slightly stiff, as if from tension. I haven’t had much time to myself. True time to myself. Not just time to do household chores or what not. Athena has been quite fussy the last three days. She wants to held a lot of the time, won’t sleep longer than 30 minutes, spitting up, drooling, etc. Obviously one unhappy little girl which leaves on very tired Mom. Especially since Morella is still a little kid who needs my help alot of the time.

Lots of diaper changes. Oh Athena outgrew her size small prowraps and I think diapers. I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s become increasingly obvious to me this week. She was 12.8 pounds at her two month which was two weeks ago. I am certain she is close to or at 14 pounds now, which is a far as the weight limit for the small prowraps went. Morella was wearing the small set of cloth diapers until month five, so having to move out of these so soon is kind of disheartening. I was hoping that by the time she needed the next size up that Morella would be potty trained. Since Morella is clearly no where near being potty trained (despite using the potty again all by herself, on her own accord after a traumatic bath time tonight with success) I had to give in and buy some more large prefolds. I had 24, and bought an extra 12 — oh and I have six contoured diapers, and one all in one. I think that 43 diapers will be plenty for both Morella and Athena so that I can still wash diapers every three or four days instead of every day. I also got a new kind of wrap – tinytush.com — the tiny tush small because it’s size is from 14lbs to 20, and some four larges in case she moves into a larger size before Morella. Ugh. This cloth diapering business can sure get confusing. I had to think about this for a couple of weeks before deciding what to do. A big part of me wanted to just diaper Morella in paper diapers because it’s so much easier. Clothes fit better, I can go longer between diaper changes. She doesn’t get a chaffing rash on her leg from being active after it’s gotten wet and sagged down. But then I feel so bad about throwing those diapers into the trash.

To be honest that is one reason I switched to cloth right away with Athena, aside from cloth containing Athena’s poopsplosions better, is that I felt terrible taking a full grocery bag of diapers out to the garbage every other day. We had given ourselves a bit of a holiday to use paper diapers for a few weeks after Athena was born with her and sort of will Morella. Every time I threw it away I imagined it going into the landfill and staying there for Athena and Morella’s great grandchildren to deal with. Oh yes, we still use paper at night and for long trips out, but it isn’t nearly as much as it was doing it completely. I actually feel a lot of guilt about throwing any garbage away and not recycling everything. I will save a receipt, or the cardboard tags from clothes and specifically recycle them because they are paper.

Anyway. Athena has been giving me a hard time these last three days. It’s too early to be teething. She is a teeny bit congested so maybe she is fighting off some bug? Or maybe it’s a developmental growth spurt? She has been talking a lot more and trying to grab at things and just this week discovered how awesome her mobile is and talks to it, and toys next to/above her changing station.

My ringworm is much improved. Gah I wish I had known what it was sooner instead of suffering with it for three weeks. Speaking of which, I need to go and cleanse and reapply soon because it’s getting itchy.

The new computer arrived today along with my box full of diaper stuff. Tim has to set it all up, but I’ll be glad to have the desktop back. This time sharing the laptop blows. Plus it’s hard to use the laptop during the day. It’s much easier to use the desktop because it’s in the office and there is more to do in the office than my bedroom and Morella doesn’t mess with it as much.

Yesterday, I took Morella and Athena to get some pumpkins off a trailer. It was so incredibly nice out. Warm gentle wind, overcast but not gloomy – enough to really enhance the fall colors. It was like they all decided at the same time to really ripen and display their phoenix feathers. I dallied at the trailer as long as I could after picking out our pumpkins and gourds before deciding, spur of the moment, to go to the zoo. I figured it wouldn’t be that busy because it was a school day, and because the morning weather had been rainy and dank. I was right! It was absolutely perfect. Just perfect. Morella had a great time, I carried Athena who thankfully slept the entire time in the Ergo and we explored the zoo. I let Morella ride the carousel and dealt with the following tears when she wanted more. It was the first time she asked to do it more than once. Of course, I want to let her ride as much as possible, especially since it’s only a dollar, but doing so would ruin it, right? Keep it fresh and special. She choose the tiger to ride. The “rawr.”

After the zoo, we went to the park to let her play a big while I nursed Athena in the Ergo (wow, that was cool and so discreet, and it let me follow Morella around the playground) before my back wanted to give out and I needed a freaking break to sit down and just relax. I ended up falling asleep at 9 after getting Athena to sleep. I had wanted to do a bunch of other things and revel and free time but that didn’t happen. To say I was disappointed is an understatement. But sometimes I guess you just have to sleep. I know that is the best, but I would have preferred to make that decision instead of having sleep make it for me. At least I got to watch an episode of Bones while rocking her.

Tim is getting ready to go a conference the first week of November. Between getting ready for that at work, getting excited about it with his online community of friends, and our computer crashing and burning — there hasn’t been a lot of time where he is actually ‘here and engaged’ with me after Morella goes to bed. I’ll admit it’s been a little lonely and frustrating, especially after a week of being sick and then this week where Athena has been so fussy. Sure I am excited about his wonderful opportunity and blah blah blah. But you, it also just makes me feel a little trapped and overburdened. I can’t just leave Athena to go out for while because she won’t take a bottle and is only now starting to settle into going to bed between 8:30 and 9:30. So if I did go out, and she woke, I would have to be fairly close to be able to come home. And you know, what am I going to do going out that late? It’s not like staying out late is a fun option because I would still have to wake up to feed her at 2 and then 4 or 5 in the morning, and then get up for real for the both of them at 7:30.

I am still incredible grateful for this dilemma. I love these two little girls fiercely and even when they drive me nuts I marvel at how adorable or wonderful they are. I know this time will pass and it’s really short lived in the overall span of things. Oh and add my daily calls to my Mom (who I do believe is now terminally ill) then I just feel spread to thin. I wish I could take a week off to go to Seattle and be around new people, stay in a hotel I don’t have to clean, eat food I didn’t have to cook or get, and have interesting conversations with people who are actually interested in me an what I have to say.

I think I am also overly anxious about this trip because of the girls. I just couldn’t imagine doing it by myself. Staying at his parents for extra help wasn’t an option because of the animals. So the only other idea I had was to ask my old middle school friend Jess to come and help me. She lives up North in the sticks with her four kids and rarely ever goes out or has a vacation. I know. Helping me isn’t probably the most glamorous vacations you could think of, but it’s not that I need h
eavy manual labor. I just need an extra pair of arms to help get breakfast, lunch and dinner on the table or distract Morella while I feed Athena. That sort of thing. It will be nice to have the company of another Mom to talk to who won’t get sick of talking about babies or the other daily housewife type things that come up. To mix it up, she is going to be bringing her 18 1/2 month old little girl with her. But you know, Jessie is used to way more chaos than I am too — so it should balance itself out.

Well, my laptop battery is almost dead. My contacts are drying out and it’s 10:40. I need to go to bed so that I can get through tomorrow. Just one day at a time right?

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