I feel like my confidence as a Mommy today was shaken. The day was packed again as usual. It seems like so many days are packed at this time of the year. Athena was extra crabby last night and I gave up doing anything last evening and instead just went to bed at 9:00 with her. She woke up at 11:30 screaming like a 1000 banshees. Tim came in and held her for awhile and bounced until she calmed down enough to nurse back to sleep. About a 1/2 an hour after that Morella started screaming and Tim had to go in and sleep in her room. Every time he tried to leave she would start up. These days aren’t every night but I sure feel like they are becoming more frequent.

Athena had her 4 month well baby check today at 1:30. Right in the middle of nap time. Having anything going on during a regular nap time just makes me sick to the stomach but instead of cancelling I dropped her off at Ann’s who was willing to risk it and keep her own kid up as well. I had everyone bundled up and out the door by 12 and stopped at Walgreens to get our holiday photos and look around for a few minutes. I had gotten a bunch of photo cards at a garage sale last year and planned to put the photos in those, but later on when I got home and tried it out, I realized that it cut off our heads and the Holiday Greeting at the top. Oh well. I found some other misc cards and am using those up.

After Walgreens and because the roads were so bad I made it to Ann’s at 1 to just drop off Morella and leave. Then I stopped by and dropped off some formula samples and outgrown diapers to a relatively new Mom before heading off to Athena’s appointment. I made it in just in time and she was seen right away. She weighs 15.5 pounds and is 26 inches long. While she is 85% for height and weight, she is actually about 50% in weight for height meaning she is perfectly average. :) She got her shots and I nursed her before leaving. I stopped at Willie Street Coop to buy something quick for dinner — pocket samosa’s and asian noodles. She fell asleep on the way to pick up Morella and stayed asleep as I decided to stay for awhile and visit.

At 4 we left to go home because Athena woke up and Morella was melting down. We get home and just as I pulled into the driveway I realized I locked ourselves out. Great on the coldest day of the year so far. :( I called Tim and told him I would be on my way to pick up his keys.

This always happens on the first really cold day of the year where I have to go out and warm up the car and then get kids out into the weather. Traffic was a nightmare on the way there and Morella woke up and was very upset that I wasn’t taking her inside to her bed. She calmed down when I said we were going to see Daddy though and went back to sleep. Thank god. If only Athena had followed suit. Instead I got to hear her cry for the next 50 minutes it took to get to Tim’s work and home.

Got home at 5:15 and brought a wailing Morella inside and unbundled and put her to bed with the door open. I then fed Athena in the living room while Morella readjusted and woke up a bit. Then Tim came home about 15 minutes later from his biking commute. I was so exhausted at this point.

Tim then got his gear and left at 6:00 for his weekly gaming session just in time for Karen the Mother’s Helper to show up and help for an hour. She entertained Morella while I gave Athena a good nursing session. She was in good spirits but was tired. She went down for about a 1/2 an hour while I helped get Morella ready for bed. Karen left at 7:00, I put Morella down by 7:10 but she started howling. I comprimised and left the door open a crack only to hear her say “mommy…mommy” over and over forever while I nursed Athena who had woken back up and was very upset. I gave Athena some tylenol and then held her close and nursed her until she feel asleep. By then it was 7:45 and Morella was still up. I went in there and said it was time to sleep. I retucked her in, kissed her and said good night and closed the door. Morella then started throwing the hugest tantrum ever for the next 15 minutes. I swear she was going to pass out from the screaming and kicking and wailing and what have you.

At 8:05 I opened her door and got her. I didn’t take her out of her sleeping sack but instead deposited her in front of the TV on the couch and proceeded to work on Christmas cards while watching a terrible movie with Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Mario Lopez. Morella dinked around for awhile, walking in her sleep sack and even running! Geez. Here I thought she was immobile in that too.

Finally at 9:20 she seemed tired enough to put back to bed which is where she is now with no tantrum. Thank god. I went downstairs and got a beer and am now typing this up and hoping that Athena stays asleep for a little while longer.

I worry that I am setting her up to having terrible night time routines by letting nights like this happen. I worry that Athena will never go to sleep on her own and will always need me to nurse her down. I know that in two years bedtime will probably seem like a piece of cake when Morella and Athena go to bed at the same time in the same room, but for now, since I can’t read the future I just don’t know.

Days like this prevent me from wanting to leave the house the next day, you know? I need tomorrow to be normal so that I can clean up the huge bombs and messes that Morella has made from being cooped up inside, to bake, wrap presents, and send out Christmas cards. I love sending out cards — it’s one of my favorite things to do in the holiday season and it’s already December 10th and I haven’t sent a single one out.

Anyway. Karen isn’t going to come next week but instead will come for two days in a row the 22 and 23rd for four hours each day. I will have to pack, wrap gifts (If I haven’t by then) and blah blah blah. It will be much appreciated.

Okay, now that I have gotten a typical day off my chest I am going to use the time remaining to clean up a little. Because cleaning makes me feel like I have some iota of control over this chaos, even if it’s all erased the next day.

One thought on “

  1. Anonymous

    Take it easy on yourself. You have two small children (read: a ton of attention/time/work by themselves)and a season crammed with extra holiday stuff and a house and pets etc. Oh…. Did I mentions regular care/time/attention needed for yourself? Any one of those items alone is enough to be stressed out about, let alone all of them together!!I remember being in the same situation and my heart hurts for you. I wish I could help. I even remember developing anxiety symptoms– I had spells where I trouble breathing because of all the stress. Yes, it does end when the children get older; but, it felt like forever at that time….The only thing that I could do was to keep doing only what had to be done (many times it was much less than I wanted to get done) and to keep focusing only on the immediate present… sometimes only focusing 1 or 2 minutes ahead. No extras…. just surviving. It does work, but it is hard for a while. Enjoy as much as you can. Focus on the good (two beautiful girls) not the should (no Christmas cards written)…Take care.PS…I have no children at home to be underfoot, but my Christmas cards are not written either and it is Dec. 11 already!!!

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