So here is a question for the masses. How many times should a person try and reconcile with a friend (whose reaction is rather accusatory and dramatically regretful (although will admit, I was the same way in the beginning—but have since tried to knock it off)? Is once enough? Is twice? Is it that you should as many times as it takes because friendship is worth a little uncertainty and strife? Or are you of the sect that believes true friends never have a fall out? [which as I say that last question I acknowledge the concept is ridiculous.] But, what I guess it all comes down too…why am I always getting luke warm receptions? Thus, I am always being the one put in the position to *try* and try again. Let’s look at the history of what have I done:

Well, one email forward about “girlfriends” (Tacky, I know, but I thought it would be a harmless way to start…maybe a little humor in recognizing the sincerity in the stupid attempt? Okay. it was stupid. Sue me). My response is the one angry line I wrote at the end of previous letter (after being told off in a number of ways how inadequate I am in general) thrown back in my face. Okay. I let it go. Time passes.

I send an email trying to talk or at least attempt it, and get a response back about how we can’t understand each other…and then a another friend of mine gets in the middle and I am mortified, and then back away and decide to say “start clean.” Embarrassed really that I can’t seem to talk to this person whom I considered one of my best friends, and I needed some moderator??? Damn it all. The slate now wiped, I say I will write. It seems easier for me to do.

Time passes, I send a email to her telling her I will send the letter shortly. She responds saying she will wait for it….. I wonder what that means those “,,,” does that mean I am have to be careful of what I say? That I should write my heart and soul again? Or should I play it safe, be considerate of everything she has said and leave the ball to her? I go for the latter. Actually taking three drafts to write that letter, making sure to not sound sarcastic, nosey, or anything that might be read the wrong way. I send it…time passes…no response.

I have another friend who knows us both. Sometimes she brings her up, but I don’t take the bait. I don’t want another person to come in the middle of my failure to communicate. I don’t want to be caught asking questions about someone I could very well ask myself, if she would just talk to me.

I write another email saying we should talk..yesterday. She responds back saying that she was disappointed in my lack of interest in her life, and she doesn’t know where to start. I find it so ironic that I am being punished for my “lack of interest” because when I did show interest, it was only to find out the negative aspects of what she was doing. I can’t win. I seriously can’t win here. The email from her ended “regretfully”…what does that mean? I wrote her back explaining…and asked her what that meant..but as of today. No response.

However. Last night it occurred to me. I bet she doesn’t want to talk to me. She wants me gone for her life, and a reason to justify it (my lack of faith/interest in her and her life), or I disappointed her so monumentally, that she just *can’t* talk to me anymore, and I am not understanding this, because she is too nice. She can’t just tell me to fuck off, and I haven’t gotten the hints. So.

Is she telling me to fuck off and go to hell without saying that because of her lack of interest in reconciliation or any of the reasons I already stated? Should I just give her time? Or should I just let it go? Any advice is appreciated.

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