Moving on

I have been so consumed with thinking that I/we did something wrong. I was finally relieved of that burden last night, and felt better. I felt good enough to go out with my friends Sigrid and Matt for a couple of drinks and just talk. It was good to get out. It was good to talk about it all. I don’t know if I will talk about it again any time soon, but at least it was put out there. Then today, I went garage sailing with my friend Lowen, like we do on Thursdays (but haven’t for a couple of weeks) and I found that in when I had a moment to myself to look at knick knacks or up at the blue sky and yellow, orange and red leaves of fall that there was a heavy weight in the middle of my chest – right on my sternum. It felt like I had gotten the wind knocked out of me and that I had just gotten my breath back, barely. I guess i have sort of been feeling that the whole time but just attributed it to stress of other things. But maybe I need to acknowledge that what I am feeling is the physical effects of grief.

Grief. I just don’t know what to do it. Maybe I should put it in a box and deal with it later. No, seriously. I don’t know what to do with it other than acknoweldge it’s presence, take a deep breath and move on. Look in the next box for treasures, rifle through the table of pink clothes for something that Morella might like, glance through the books and keep on eye on the kids to make sure they don’t make it too close to the glass knick knack table.

While we were out searching for treasure, we found a charming little park in Maple Bluff (an expensive part of town). This little park had a beach, oodles of flowers, a great view of the city/lake, sand, a fire pit, benches, Adirondack chairs and a great play structure. What a difference between the parks in our neck of the woods and over there. It was wonderful to sit on one of those deep chairs and stare out across the lake while nursing Neeners and watching Morella throw rocks into the water. I could have stayed there all day — especially after I found a port a potty within walking distance. I am going to remember that park for a picnic. It was a jewel of Madison.

Later on at home, I made the girls lay down and take a nap at 3:30, I just couldn’t take their crabbiness, my mental exhaustion and achey chest anymore. Everyone, myself included, slept for an hour. I then got up to let Falkor out and settle Morella, who went back to sleep. Athena slept until 7 and Morella made it to 7:40. Oh it was so … rejuvenating and calming to have that prime time all to myself. So I could sit and just not have any demands on me. To read. To stare into space. To just … be. That two hours I had to myself where the best two hours I have had since this whole thing started. I hadn’t been alone except for sleeping (what little of it I got) and … well now. Tim caught the girls cold, so he went straight to bed when he got home at 10 — along with the girls. I sure as heck wasn’t going to miss my opportunity to post. I did enjoy my time with the girls between when got up and went to bed. They seem to have a different kind of energy at night then they do during the day. Or maybe I was just more balanced and really enjoyed hanging out with them. I could stare at them all day and never tire of it. They are so worth everything … I am so blessed that they are in my life.

During the evening I got a phone call from one of my first cousins. She had just gotten the news about Dad. I had called last week and left a message on her Dad’s (my Uncle’s) answering machine, but he didn’t get around to checking his messages until today. I know how that feels to miss the funeral of a close family member so I did my best to console her. It was also just … weird to have a weeks worth of time between us learning of the news. To her, it was still fresh and for me it felt more like the wound was starting to scab up.

Gah. I have spent the night trying to catch up on emails. I am tired. I should head to bed. Tomorrow is … what Friday? Yeah Friday. I don’t know what I am going to do with it other than email the coroner and work on finding a lawyer. Okay, those are big. I also have thank you notes to get started on. I also need to grocery shop as we are on our last two pieces of bread for an easy breakfast. Oh wait, I think we are having visitors Friday evening too. I guess I should vacuum and maybe clean that pig sty of a bathroom.

3 thoughts on “Moving on

  1. Abigail

    I’m glad you’ve been able to find a few quiet moments just to be with yourself and your life. I know that weighted feeling–it’s awful, but then suddenly it eases or opens up or cracks, and bits of real life start to peep through again. The fact that you could be in a park and feel how pretty and peaceful it was is the best sign. We’re all still thinking hard about you and your family! We’re listening to whatever you want us to hear.

  2. Sarah

    I wish you more time to breathe, look, savor the world, and think…or nap. Few things as healing as a good nap, especially for relieving tension and grieving aches in the chest.

    You’ve been so caught up in the group rituals and in traveling and caring for your sick household, when have you had a chance to even begin to deal with your own personal grief? It will take time and stolen moments.

    I’m so glad you could have a good talk with Sigrid and Matt, and I’m glad that your little girls are there — sometimes stressful distractions in themselves, I know, but still vibrant, lively examples of what is good and right in the world.

    I want to do drinks and talk with you sometime, too…somehow. Dave has promised to take the kids off sometime when we’re in Madison.

  3. Hilary

    You might want to look into “Mindfulness”… The whole idea is that you acknowledge something–grief in your case, and that’s it. Don’t try to interpret it, don’t make it more than what it is. Just like watching a cloud float by. It’s not the whole sky, just a cloud, and it passes. It’s really helped me get through tough feelings without having them morph into other feelings like guilt… And it’s better than just ignoring it, right? Anyway… When you feel the aching chest, take a moment to mentally talk through what’s happening with your body, and focus on that 100% for a minute or so if you can. Then see if you can let it float by. Maybe it’s really hokey but I like it.

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