Paying myself

Ugh, so sometimes, even though I love the earth passionately and I care about the environment deeply — I just want to use disposable diapers. It’s for a couple of reasons:

1. It’s faster because there is no adjusting once it is one and Athena is the rolling, squirming, screaming at the top of her lungs kind of gal when it comes to diaper changes … so it’s hard to begin with.

2. Because she is like that, I would prefer to delay diaper changes until absolutely necessary. Disposable diapers and their chemicals means I can go longer between diaper changes, whereas with cloth I have to do battle with Neeners every two hours.

3. Poopy diapers are that much easier. I can just throw them away instead of making a special trip to the bathroom, and then back to the diaper bucket.

That’s it, it’s really number one and two that are getting to me. But I feel horrible every time I use a disposable. Like I am a total loser, a lazy Mom who can’t even give her kid the best in organic, crunchy, maternal care. Hey now, that doesn’t mean I think that every Mom who uses disposabales is lazy or not caring. That isn’t what I mean at all, what I do mean is that is how I feel about myself. Sort of like, I think I look totally fat in that picture, but you think I look great.

Anyway. Yesterday I decided to try and pay myself. Why not? Earn money for pushing myself to spend that extra five minutes on the cloth. So, from now on, I earn .25 cents for every cloth diaper used. It is going to be money that I can do whatever I want with — spend it on pastries, or expensive coffee. Maybe spend it on taking a friend out for drinks. So far I have earned a buck!

Tim worked from home yesterday. Sometimes I wish he could work from home every day, or 1/2 time. As it is, he is going to be away a lot for the next couple of weeks and leaving for a week at the beginning of November for his annual PASS conference in Seattle. So I will have a week to myself with the girls. What should I do? For a second there I entertained thoughts of taking my own trip, but then I remembered those blasted pets. Ugh, pets. Sometimes I wonder why we bother with them at all. Well, I suppose one benefit I can think of is that my kids don’t go nuts whenever we go over to someone else’s house and they have pets. Morella or Neeners is not screaming in panic, or trying to crawl up my legs to get away from what furry, cute adorable pet folks have. That’s a big bonus actually.

Uh oh, Toot and Puddle is almost over. Last night I went to bed at 9:45 and was asleep by 10:00. I did Hilary’s suggestion (left in a previous comment) about Mindfullness. I laid down and said “I acknowledge talking to laywer A. on Thursday. I acknowledge talking to lawyer B on Thursday. I acknowledge sending out an email hosting a Halloween party. I acknowledge that hosting a Halloween party probably seems a bit much, but I need that motivation and something fun to focus on. I acknowledge that I hate that Innsmouth pees in the bathroom and I can’t have a rug in there. I acknowledge that Tim needs to take some expectorant medicine to stop that cough. I acknowledge that I need to call Shane. I acknowledge that I lost my phone and need to find it. Etc.

It was interesting, somehow even just saying it in my head made it so that I quit thinking about these things long enough to move onto the next one. Eventually I ran out of them and fell asleep. I don’t even remember getting Neeners in the middle of the night, but she was there on me when Morella came into our room this morning demanding that she sleep with us or that Tim sleep with her. We need to get a handle on this. Why do toddlers go through these ridiculous sleep demands and patterns every couple of months?

Ohh Toot and Puddle are over. I have five more minutes in which to wash my face, put my contacts in and … I don’t know. I guess get started on this day. Wednesday October 13th. Wow, really? The middle of the month already? Sigh.

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