I feel like I’ve been obsessed with controlling my time. In particular, controlling my head space. Controlling the things I think about, or want to do. I feel like I want to make a strict, detailed schedule like how I imagine Monk’s do in order to live a balanced life. Maybe that is it. I don’t feel like my life is that balanced. Maybe it isn’t. Or maybe life isn’t balanced. Did I feel like this last year? I don’t think so, I feel like I had given myself permission to let everything go and focus on getting through the first year with a baby and toddler. Now that year is over, my baby is a toddler and my toddler is almost a preschooler and I have a few more minutes during the day. Or do I? I mean, do 5 or 10 minutes here and there really count? Maybe it counts more when they are all stacked up to be an hour.
Everyday, I’ll find myself in a situation where I am doing something with one or both girls and my mind is free to wander. Usually if I start to do something like write, or clean, or rake, or whatever within minutes or seconds I have to abandon the project because they are crawling over me, or fighting, or someone got hurt and needs a kiss. Or I am pretending to be asleep to trick Morella into taking a nap, while being quiet for Athena to stay asleep, or nursing Athena in the hope that she’ll go back to sleep and I’ll achieve the elusive “dual nap” status. It reminds me of when I was a teenager and something really juicy would happen. Maybe some gossip, or a compliment, or a fun experience, or a scene from a movie or book — and I would wait until it was bedtime before I would allow myself to really savor the experience and think about every detail.
I find myself in lots of situations now where I have plenty of time like that to do nothing else but savor the “now” experience. Nothing really juicy has happened in a long time, and to be honest I am sick of thinking about Dad over and over so I concentrate on trying to remember everything about now. Make this the juicy moment for later when my girls are older. For when Neeners isn’t looking up at me with those dreamy chocolate brown eyes, lush black lashes and wispy brown hair in the quiet dark of my bedroom. For when Morella isn’t tip toeing around in circles dancing, with her yellow hair floating around her perfect creamy white skin and blue eyes.
We had a big leaf fight this afternoon. It was such a nice day that I forced the kids out for two hours. Morella said that she wanted to stay in the house. Rare. They never want to stay in. I said no, and out we went, there wasn’t too much of a fight about that though. I raked up a huge pile of leaves and we all rolled, threw leaves and jumped in the pile until we were itchy from leaf bits everywhere. I almost got my camera, but that would have spoiled the moment.
Real quickly, today: woke up to a fight with Tim about the whereabouts of shoes, fed the kids a breakfast they didn’t eat, watched TV while I wrote my Mom and got them dressed, went to the post office to get a bunch of stamps, stopped at the Mexican bakery for some baked goods, went over to Sue M.’s house for a play date with her week old and 2 year old, came home and napped Athena and eventually Morella — dual nap status lasted 20 minutes before Neeners got up. Played with her for awhile. Cut up vegetables to roast for dinner. Neeners woke up Morella. We went outside. I remembered I needed to fix Morella’s new swing. Packed up kids and went to Ace Hardware to get the chain and carbine ring. Came back. Fixed swing. Dinner was done early so we all ate outside. Mostly I ate they just pushed it around and screamed. Came in. Let them watch 15 minutes of TV to warm up. Bathed them. Tim came home. They ate a second dinner of more vegetables they didn’t eat, shredded cheese and apple slivers. Played with Tim while I wrote a list. Put Neeners to bed and took a 45 minute nap. Got up watched Modern Family and a little of other TV and then wrote this post.
Now I am going to bed.