Oh great despair! I have failed. Rather, I am going to fail so I might as well enjoy the pity and self worthlessness that it can bring in right now. What is wrong with me? Last week I was brim full of energy, ambition and entrepreneurship. Today I sit here, congratulating myself on taking a shower and a trip to the post office as work well done. Bah. I did spend some time working on the second barrette too, but that is part the dismay at my utter insignificance. I can’t make crafts, what a stupid notion. They never sell well and I don’t have the first clue on how to do it. Sure there is the library, but that would mean I would have inclination to even find out what books I should be looking at. The writing thing? I have this deadline for August first for the story I have been working on this month (now draft three) and it sits here open on my desktop. I try to write something, succeed in hammering out a sentence and changing a word here or there but it hasn’t grown an inch. I feel like I have already written the story a thousand times in my head, seen all the great ending and envisioned great adventures. Why should I write it down? It’s just going to be boring, hackish amateur attempt at scribbling. At least I claim I never wanted to be a poet. Proclaiming “A writer” at least implies that I have grandiose romantic notions about the world and myself. Grandiose is about the only thing that is correct.

I just don’t know where all my zip went.  What do I want to be happy? I want to not have to take money from our savings to pay bills like we had to do this month.  I want Tim to be happy with a job (I think I want that more than anything). I want a juicy little job.  I was even tossing around the idea of biting the bullet and going back to school.  Ugh…school.  Another job, but I am supposed to be able to get another better job after that.  It would all depend if I could finance the whole thing without taking out debt.  What do I want? I want more than anything to leave this place and start an adventure in another world.

I wish we had more food too.  I think I am going to make a rhubarb pie, you can do that without eggs, milk or bread you know.  ;P


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