It’s been a week in which I had to use my brain and think about difficult things. Sometime I don’t want to think about heavy things such as: the meaning of my life or those I know, the purpose of it all, is there a god, what is death, and what are we? Wait, did I say sometimes? Okay, I mean most of the time.
Really, I would much rather NOT think about it because whenever I do think about it, it means something is probably askew. Happy people don’t think.
So yeah, I had my mother to visit — I often examine her life. She is my mother after all. I try to imagine her life at my age and then apply what I have learned so far, to her future. Or I just try to imagine her own state of being and then inevitably, I can see her future creeping in, eroding the person she was into another creature entirely. I can see crushing depression, alcoholic significants, poverty, greed, children, bad luck, a brief two years of happiness on a farm, a break down, etc. etc. What am I going to think when I look back to where I am right now?
Already where I am is a lot farther then I ever thought it would be. To be honest, I rarely think of where I would be in the first place. I can’t tell you what I want in five years because I don’t really know, and I guess that is the root of my philosophic tendencies right now. I don’t feel like I have ever actually done anything on purpose — more like I have done things because they seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why do we keep having to reinvent ourselves? Why can’t I just be happy with what is going on right now? I have had a tingling — mere static bursts of thoughts, that I should be working on something else. Sometime significant. Something worthwhile (and thus invalidating everything I am currently doing right now? Or just in addition?). I feel like a starving woman in a free pastry shop, not eating anything because all the beautiful delicacies look so good.
Is it arrogant to think that I could be a valuable resource to something? My whole life has been filled with golden opportunities. Chance that comes my way when I am looking. What does one do when it seems like chance has retired? Should I finally cash into that savings account that Lady Fortune as built up in me and invest? In what?
I just want someone, something, a great big ol’ cosmic sign with a diagram of what I should be doing to come upon me. My free will is burdened with cobwebs and the expectation of significant others.
This weekend, after we dropped of my Mother and fled the scene, I was reminded of a bargain. To put it simply, I have one year to find a job that makes a shit load of money, save the world, or do something significant. One year. It’s a depressing thought when you realize for one, I won’t be able to find a job that pays more than 30K a year. Yes, I could go to school. Perhaps that IS the answer — but I won’t be making 30K a year and the house will have to be sold. Then that isn’t even considering what the hell I would go to school for AND that it wouldn’t occur until next fall 2006.
If it was dreamland then I would get my masters in handicrafts. I also like the idea of cultural anthropology — but what would you do with that? I guess I wouldn’t mind teaching at community college. And who would let me in? I only have a gpa of 2.9 — the curse of Madison. Anywhere else and I would have gotten over a 3.0 easy. And taking the GRE is an nigh an impossibility — I suck at tests. But maybe I should just suck it up and pick something and do it.
But really — what do I think I am good at…really have the potential to excel at? I feel like I have some kind of skill in leadership. Now, what do you do with that? I suppose I should look around. This is something I could be passionate about. Yes, I will do that.
In the meantime I can still craft — slowly. I need to update websites — all of which is insignificant. I could also work on writing…I do love to do that. I guess writing for blogs isn’t really considered to be “important” writing. Especially when it is all about yourself. And then there is TKD — eventually working towards and hopefully getting a black belt seems like a certification to me.
Yeah. So. I guess I just needed to write about it. Writing = figuring things out. Organizing ideas.
And so … this last week, I met up with an old high school mate. In reality, I don’t think I ever actually spoke with him much. We danced once in 5th or 6th grade for our square dancing final. But it was nice to get together and just chat. I didn’t feel uncomfortable or hate it and I don’t think he did either — so maybe we’ll do it again. It would certainly be nice to have another activity partner in Madison.
I had a social Thursday — Roberta, Hilary, Mina and Gecko came over or lunch. We had chicken salad and rhubarb pie. I wasn’t as happy with that crust as I should have been. It was a nice afternoon. Later that night, Sarah came with brownies and Laima rode bike over and we all chatted for a few hours. Now THAT was nice. I haven’t had a chance to just sit and visit with these two ladies in such a long time. Those visits remind me of why we are friends — even if we do get a little separated by time and other obligations.
My brother Andrew is now with us for two weeks. Have I ever mentioned what a great kid he is? He is. He awesome. Smart, kind, polite, compassionate, interesting, he listens and does things when you ask him.
On Sunday, Andrew and I went with my new friend David to the Badger State Martial arts tournament. It wasn’t quite what I expected — I expected more people for one. I also expected more women to participate — adult women, not teenagers. It was also HOT. I felt like I was melting. So at the conclusion, David and I said we should go next year. Sure…lets see if we actually do that. I would be game — why not? Nothing else is barring me. And just a side note — he unlocked AND opened the car door for me when we were coming back! What chivalry — I can’t remember the last time that happened.
We bought Hunter the Reckoning — and have been playing that coop the past two nights. It’s okay, very Diablo style.
Alright, alright, I feel like this was a long, personal post. I should end it here.