So yeah, I decided to not go to work today. I mean, I don’t work on Tuesdays, and they weren’t expecting me so I am not missing anything. Besides, there isn’t anything super pressing going on right now anyway, aside from data entry. Yesterday was a sick day, where I still managed to get a lot done — at least on the phone. Today is going to be a more productive me day.

I am going to make some banana bread.
Take a shower and get dressed.
Make the bed.
Put laundry away and do another load.
Assess my green beads for the Xmas craft show.
Order more green beads.
Work on my creative writing story, topic this week is: Epiphany
Finish a letter to my Mom
Do some other bonus stuff, like…picking up, cleaning, organizing or whatnot.

I guess I felt overwhelmed yesterday and the day before with all the stuff that I am getting myself into. I just need to relax. Take it one day at a time. It won’t all get done. Things won’t always work, that is no reason to freak out and feel wracked with doubt and worry. It’s so easy to dispense that advice, and yet so hard to take it.

This morning on the Today show, they talked with women who are also leaders……and their big advice was to not be afraid of failure. Well, failure is something that not just women are afraid of, men are quite afflicted with it too. I don’t think I am afraid of failure…because usually if you keep trying then you will succeed. I think what I am afraid of is…..what if failure is it. What if failure means never. The end. No more. Not the “pick yourself up by your bootstraps,” and try again but…as in “kaput.”

I have also been disturbed by finding that I have suspicions that I don’t believe god really cares about the individual concerns of people. That God only cares that you believe God exists. Sure, there is an afterlife, and sure you have to live a good life to get INTO the good part of the afterlife. However, that doesn’t mean that you should expect any extra help along the way. Life here on earth is a test of your will/soul/stuff that makes you…you. To take the things that come your way and make something of it, and try to be a good person while doing that. To give to the poor, help the sick, comfort the ill, take care of each other, and be grateful for the lucky things that do happen to you. But don’t think that anything you have is directly related to anything else but chance. I don’t believe God makes people win the lottery, have a hit single or tv show in the same way that God makes people die of starvation, get raped, abducted, tortured, mentally ill or sick.

These are, in no way complete thoughts. I am still mulling this over, but it is a change from what I used to believe.

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