I am having an anxious sort of week. I know I probably just need to divorce myself from these thoughts and feelings and give me a vacation of trashy movies, crafting and .. guilt free.

What am I worried about?

-preeclampsia — I have a doctors appointment tomorrow where I will have my blood pressure taken, and I’ll probably ask for the pee on a stick test (they don’t normally do that at this office until 28 weeks or so) and just bring it up with the NP to see what she has to say. But the whole reason this got into my head is because I said my feet started to swell if I was sitting for too long in one place, and my night time vision with contacts is blurry. I posted that and some people started saying “You might have preeclampsia!” Gah. I looked up the symptoms and mine are NOT what they are really referring too (they mean really swollen feet/ankles, hands and face and vision with spotters/tunnel and massively blurry) …but then again, what do I know?

-I have gained weight. It’s really starting to come on, despite me feeling like I am still not eating that much. Total right now it’s about 10 pounds according to my scale, but you know home scales NEVER reflect what the doctor’s scale does. I have clearance to gain from 15-25 (and I even got a few doctors saying 30) but I guess I was sort of mentally thinking I could do closer to 20. Well, geez, I know I am more than 1/2 way there … and really 10 pounds isn’t that much to complain about and it’s healthy and for the baby (who should weigh about a pound right now)…but is 5-6 pounds in a month too much? Will it keep up at this point? Why do I fucking care?! I am finally pregnant and I promised myself I would never worry about it. As long as I eat reasonable, like I did before then I shouldn’t worry.

Wait I know why I am worried about it because since I got this preeclampsia idea in my head part of their warning is “if you gain too much weight too fast you might….” Well, is this too much? I don’t know! I am sure it’s not. I will ask tomorrow….I should calm down. But maybe it’s just I am overly anxious right now.

-I have a bridal shower to go to this weekend and I am worried about what my darling will do because he has to go with me. If I had my own license I would go myself…but then I thought realistically about that …would I? If I had my license RIGHT now in my grubby hand, would I feel safe about driving anywhere that wasn’t the Madison East side? The truthful answer is no. I wouldn’t. I need some time driving in the home territory before I can work up the courage to go into strange lands armed only with directions and my wits. So while I might be anxious about making Tim be someplace he doesn’t want to be (and isn’t invited to) because of me — maybe I also feel worried about this whole driving thing again. It’s coming up. Only two weeks awayish. I should probably call at some point and make sure this is confirmed with the driving company. Which I am pretty sure it is, but you know…you never know.

-Bacon Bit is the most active I have ever noticed this morning…but then the thoughts started to creep in “Is Bacon Bit TOO active?” Ridiculous I know. Plus my bladder seems to be a favorite kicking spot…I wouldn’t care (and really I don’t honestly) but it sort of hurts!

-I feel like I should be doing so much more with my days off than I am doing. I know for a fact that if I was doing things I should be doing like cleaning, catching up with correspondence, organizing the darn office…then I wouldn’t be worrying so much. Right? Right. So I should at least vacuum the living room floor and pick up around this house. Or maybe I should just pop in a movie, make some popcorn and crochet and relax for a few hours to get a freakin’ grip.

I guess this is what happens to me when I am relatively relaxed for too long? I mean, last week I wasn’t worry about any of this. This week I am. It seems to happen every few weeks. Everything builds up and then erupts into this lava flow of anxiety. Then it goes away and I get on with my life.

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